{"id":92,"date":"2016-09-24T09:53:50","date_gmt":"2016-09-24T15:53:50","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/?p=92"},"modified":"2025-12-11T22:28:47","modified_gmt":"2025-12-12T05:28:47","slug":"the-two-week-wait","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/2016\/09\/24\/the-two-week-wait\/","title":{"rendered":"The Two Week Wait"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"two_week_wait\"<\/p>\n

By this point in our infertility journey I should be able to consider Matt and myself experts in practicing patience. After all, we have waited and waited and waited. We have waited in doctor\u2019s offices and our local hospital. We have waited in labs and pharmacies. We have waited for phone calls and test results. We have waited each month to find out if I\u2019m pregnant. We have waited for our child for over two years. <\/span><\/p>\n

But even with all of that practice, the two week wait gets me every time. The two week wait is the two weeks we have to wait after ovulation to find out if this is finally our lucky month, and it\u2019s agonizing. I end up anxious and preoccupied. I fluctuate between thinking of the next month\u2019s treatment and how the dates will affect our schedules, and thinking of what my baby\u2019s due date would be and how I\u2019ll share the news with my family. I lose sleep, even though I\u2019m exhausted from treatment. I become annoying and pester Matt with silly questions. I\u2019m excited and fearful at the same time. The wait is difficult and practice has not made it easier\u2026 if anything, it just keeps getting harder.<\/span><\/p>\n

Right now you might be thinking that pregnancy tests are so sensitive that I should just take one of those \u201csix days before your expected period\u201d varieties to end the agony. And you would be correct that they exist, but I\u2019ve learned that those tests are not for me…<\/span><\/p>\n

When we first started trying I was buying pregnancy tests every month, taking tests early and anxiously awaiting that desired double line. One problem with that is that the cost of these add up. Another is that these tests are not *that* accurate that early. I would read the statistics over and over trying to decide which percentage of accuracy I wanted so that I could pick the perfect day to satisfy my need to know while being fairly confident in the result. But this always failed me. The test would display one line every single time and even when the accuracy was high I would tell myself, \u201cI might be in the 5%! I might still be pregnant! This test is garbage.\u201d It was a waste and it made me crazy. I knew the test was probably telling the truth, but I still didn\u2019t want to believe it. I actually got to the point where I stopped taking tests completely and just waited for my period to start. It seemed to eliminate some of the anxiety.<\/span><\/p>\n

However, at this point, I can\u2019t even test early because I have been receiving HCG trigger shots during my recent treatments — HCG is the hormone pregnancy tests measure — and the trigger shot delivers enough HCG for me to test positive on a pregnancy test for up to 12 days after the injection. So I truly can\u2019t test early. I have to sit out the wait. Which is probably better\u2026 I\u2019m not spending money on multiple tests each month, I\u2019m not agonizing over how early to start testing, and I\u2019m not telling myself over and over that the test *must* be wrong.<\/span><\/p>\n

So I\u2019m left with the full two week wait.<\/span><\/p>\n

The two weeks before finding out if I\u2019m pregnant is much harder than the first two weeks of the cycle, but it\u2019s not just because it\u2019s closer to finding out. In the first two weeks I\u2019m having appointments at the office and the lab. I\u2019m taking medications, receiving injections, and having IUIs. Sure, I\u2019m feeling miserable all the time from the side effects, but at least I feel like I\u2019m *doing something for the cause*. I feel useful even though the medications render me mostly useless. But the second two weeks aren\u2019t like that. I do need that time to recover from the treatments and procedures, but I\u2019m just waiting. Aside from taking care of myself, there\u2019s not much I can do. The rest is out of my control.<\/span><\/p>\n

While I wait my mind and body play games with me. The medications I\u2019m on give me pretty much every early pregnancy symptom in the book\u2026 so when my girlfriends ask me if I feel different, I just don\u2019t have a good response. Sure, I feel different from before I was treated with fertility medications, but otherwise no, the medications give me basically the same side effects every time. Even when I was pregnant, I didn\u2019t feel more or less pregnant than any other month of treatment — that\u2019s how powerful the side effects are for me. But even knowing that the medications give me the side effects, every month I fall victim to the belief that perhaps this month it is the real thing! And then I tell myself that I should know better and to stop getting so excited. But it could be! \u2026 it\u2019s a vicious circle of overanalyzing every sensation in my body and every change, getting excited, and then telling myself to STOP. I try hard to moderate my expectations.<\/span><\/p>\n

During the wait I try to keep myself busy and I try to stay calm, peaceful, and rested. When I\u2019m not working or volunteering, I might read, go to the gym, take a walk, or watch an episode of Friends or the Gilmore Girls. I try to do something that might make me laugh. I make plans with friends. Matt and I go on date nights<\/a> and try to plan fun activities for the couple days leading up to *the big day*. I repeat affirmations to stay positive. I practice mindful breathing, meditation, and prayer. I send love to myself, Matt, and our baby. I practice gratitude. I also practice napping pretty much every day\u2026 during the two week wait I\u2019m so tired; the more medications they have added to my treatment, the more tired I have become. And while I lie there falling asleep I wonder if my baby is snuggling down in my uterus with me\u2026 the wondering never ends. Some things distract me better than others, some things calm my mind better than others\u2026 but at the end of the day I\u2019m still left waiting and wondering and wishing for our child.<\/span><\/p>\n

The two week wait tests Matt\u2019s patience with me. My anxiety spills out nearly every day and I\u2019ll ask him, \u201cDo you think I\u2019m pregnant?\u201d He has answered this question so many times for months and months. Usually he\u2019s quite patient\u2026 \u201cI hope so,\u201d he\u2019ll reply and give me a squeeze. On really optimistic months, he\u2019ll tell me, \u201cYes. I think you are!\u201d When I\u2019ve asked too many times, he\u2019ll reply with something completely random and off topic as if I asked him a completely different question. I guess I don\u2019t blame him\u2026 but I know he doesn\u2019t really blame me for asking either. We\u2019ve been waiting and waiting for our child. <\/span><\/p>\n

The two week wait is so hard. I\u2019ve sat here and written lots of words about it, but I\u2019m not sure that I have managed to properly articulate how very hard it is to wait, and guess, and constantly be wondering what my body is up to and where our path is headed in the next month. Will we be scheduling a six week ultrasound to hear our baby\u2019s heartbeat? Will we be sharing happy news with our families and friends? Or will we be scheduling an appointment to outline the next treatment plan? We\u2019re just not sure yet. We have to wait to find out, but I\u2019m tired of waiting\u2026 so please excuse me while I go ask Matt if he thinks I\u2019m pregnant. I\u2019m *sure* he knows the real answer this time.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

By this point in our infertility journey I should be able to consider Matt and myself experts in practicing patience. After all, we have waited and waited and waited. We have waited in doctor\u2019s offices and our local hospital. We have waited in labs and pharmacies. We have waited for phone calls and test results. […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":true,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[8],"tags":[48,23,22],"class_list":["post-92","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-reflections","tag-testing","tag-two-week-wait","tag-waiting"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p7UmuL-1u","jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":17,"url":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/2016\/09\/16\/3000-sqft-and-a-table-for-two\/","url_meta":{"origin":92,"position":0},"title":"3,000 sqft and a table for two","author":"Jenna","date":"September 16, 2016","format":false,"excerpt":"In 2014, a few months before we started trying to conceive, Matt and I decided to buy a bigger house for our soon-to-be growing family. 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Waiting for the next phase in my treatment. Waiting two weeks. Waiting for\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Reflections"","block_context":{"text":"Reflections","link":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/category\/reflections\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/04\/infertility_is_waiting-300x225.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":31,"url":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/2016\/09\/17\/toasting-our-survival\/","url_meta":{"origin":92,"position":2},"title":"Toasting Our Survival","author":"Jenna","date":"September 17, 2016","format":false,"excerpt":"Months ago when we sat down and planned out our first few weeks of date nights I included \u201cbubble bath & champagne\u201d in our list. During that first bubble bath while drinking champagne, it occurred to me how much I really liked champagne\u2026 and by champagne I mean a sparkling\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Coping"","block_context":{"text":"Coping","link":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/category\/coping\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"toasting_our_survival","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/09\/toasting_our_survival-241x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":322,"url":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/2017\/02\/02\/womens-reproductive-health-care\/","url_meta":{"origin":92,"position":3},"title":"Women’s Reproductive Health Care","author":"Jenna","date":"February 2, 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"According to the World Health Organization: \u201cSexual and reproductive health problems are responsible for one third of health issues for women between the ages of 15 and 44 years.\u201d\u00a0Considering all of the possible health issues in humans, one third for sex and reproduction is a lot. And what\u2019s more upsetting\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Awareness"","block_context":{"text":"Awareness","link":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/category\/awareness\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":163,"url":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/2016\/10\/09\/sunday-funnies-cat-edition\/","url_meta":{"origin":92,"position":4},"title":"Sunday Funnies: Cat Edition","author":"Jenna","date":"October 9, 2016","format":false,"excerpt":"Today's funnies are brought to you by kitties! \u00a0 \u00a0 And last but not least: Infertility Explained By 33 Impossibly Adorable Cats. \u00a0Not all of them are funny, but they are all adorable... There are way too many perfect images and captions on that post for me to include here.\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Humor"","block_context":{"text":"Humor","link":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/category\/humor\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"image source: http:\/\/www.quickmeme.com\/meme\/3sts1o","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/s2.quickmeme.com\/img\/fc\/fcd5ab2ed052d0063ff85f6359b6a34c3c59c74c95922ac1ec8d4737d1eaa890.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/s2.quickmeme.com\/img\/fc\/fcd5ab2ed052d0063ff85f6359b6a34c3c59c74c95922ac1ec8d4737d1eaa890.jpg?resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/s2.quickmeme.com\/img\/fc\/fcd5ab2ed052d0063ff85f6359b6a34c3c59c74c95922ac1ec8d4737d1eaa890.jpg?resize=525%2C300 1.5x"},"classes":[]},{"id":418,"url":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/2017\/05\/18\/grief\/","url_meta":{"origin":92,"position":5},"title":"Grief","author":"Jenna","date":"May 18, 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"My infertility is profound grief. 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