{"id":75,"date":"2016-09-21T19:57:19","date_gmt":"2016-09-22T01:57:19","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/?p=75"},"modified":"2025-12-11T22:28:48","modified_gmt":"2025-12-12T05:28:48","slug":"the-roller-coaster-of-infertility","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/2016\/09\/21\/the-roller-coaster-of-infertility\/","title":{"rendered":"The Roller Coaster of Infertility"},"content":{"rendered":"

reflections on the ups and downs of infertility, and why I need\u00a0to balance optimism and realism<\/strong><\/p>\n

\"roller_coaster\"When I was younger I loved roller coasters. Loved them. The thrills, the speed, the surprises. Then one summer in college I suddenly became afflicted with motion sickness. Even half hour car rides can make me feel ill, so I keep dramamine handy to avoid feeling sick in the car if I\u2019m not driving. However, I have learned the hard way that dramamine doesn\u2019t quite do the trick for roller coasters. I can only manage to participate in the simplest rides at places like Disneyland. Peter Pan, Snow White, Winnie the Pooh — those are the kinds of rides for me, and that\u2019s still with dramamine. It\u2019s disappointing to sit and watch Matt go on the rides that my former self would have loved, but it\u2019s not worth the sickness. So I hold on to my happy memories of getting off rides like Space Mountain, feeling the rush and excitement…<\/span><\/p>\n

Unfortunately, the roller coaster I HAVE been riding for the past two years has been the worst ride of my life. And unlike the real life, fun, roller coasters, there are no cheerful workers who ask us kindly to buckle up and keep our hands and arms inside the car at all times. There are no warnings about the whiplash that\u2019s possible on this ride. There is no screening process or recommendations in the beginning making sure we\u2019re capable of tolerating the ride. Nope. This is the roller coaster of infertility. Pure chance signed us up for this twisted ride of ups and downs, and emotional whiplash, and we\u2019ve been struggling to stay seated in our coaster car as we\u2019ve been jerked around month after month.<\/span><\/p>\n

The ups are when things seem to be going right. When I have a good follicle count. When Matt\u2019s sperm counts are good. When we try a new medication. When we go in for an IUI. When the results of a diagnostic test or procedure come back normal. Anytime I have built up hope that *this is going to be the month*. Last month, for example, Matt and I were *so sure* I was going to be pregnant. We were so optimistic and full of hope. \u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The downs are when things don\u2019t go right. When I found out I wasn\u2019t ovulating. When I was diagnosed with endometriosis. When there was only one follicle ready. When Matt\u2019s sperm counts are not good. When I test negative for pregnancy and my period starts. When I am pregnant and it ends up being ectopic.<\/span><\/p>\n

The twists and turns are when something unexpected happens. These unexpected events have done everything from throw us off balance to nearly throwing us completely out of the coaster car. Sometimes the fact that we\u2019ve managed to continue hanging on surprises me. Things like learning that sperm counts can change daily threw us for a loop. Matt\u2019s first low count surprised us — we were not expecting that news because his analysis had originally been great. When I was pregnant we had an abrupt turn when we learned that my progesterone levels were low. Enter: progesterone injections. This was a twist we did not expect at all, but we re-adjusted and got used to doing the daily injections at home. The worst turn of all was the oh, so very sharp turn, down and to the right, corkscrewing round and round and out of control when the evidence of an ectopic pregnancy in my right fallopian tube became clear. They had been monitoring me for several days before the diagnosis, but even the knowledge that something might be off didn\u2019t help to brace us for the impact. We reached the bottom of that corkscrew completely dazed and in the dark.<\/span><\/p>\n

In any given month of trying to conceive and any given treatment cycle there are so many opportunities for ups and downs, twists and turns. Before we were using assisted reproductive technologies (ART), we\u2019d build up hope, I\u2019d do everything I could to prepare my body for pregnancy, we\u2019d play \u201cthe baby name game\u201d as I call it… then my period would arrive and I\u2019d be disappointed and sad. The more we have progressed into ART, the more monitoring and data there is — meaning that there are even more opportunities for directional changes. We know the number of follicles, the thickness of my endometrium, and the number of sperm. People who have been through IVF know their follicle count, how many eggs were retrieved, the number of fertilized eggs, and the number of healthy embryos. There are so many ways for things to go well or poorly, ways to be delighted or disappointed.<\/span><\/p>\n

Please note that I am not suggesting that knowing the data is a bad thing — I want to know everything that\u2019s happening. It may not be right for someone else, but it\u2019s right for me. Matt and I have so little control in this whole process and knowing as much as possible is something we like. It helps me to feel more in control\u2026 it\u2019s not much, I\u2019ll admit that, but knowledge is power and knowing what\u2019s happening helps me. So we ask for numbers and details. And if they are good, then we are happy! But if they are bad, then we\u2019re undoubtedly disappointed.<\/span><\/p>\n

Even though there are opportunities for ups, during infertility the downs are more common. And they seem to last longer for me. They stick with me and they\u2019re so painful. They make me afraid to let the car ride up to the top again. Reaching the optimistic point at the top where I\u2019m full of hope and expectation means that the fall is greater when it doesn\u2019t work out. And this kind of fall is not the fun kind where I\u2019m screaming with excitement. It\u2019s the kind where I want to scream out with fear and pain and despair because all I can see is darkness and the coaster car is plummeting as fast as it can, but I can\u2019t even manage to scream. And then I\u2019m down at the bottom feeling hopeless, confused, and foolish for getting my hopes up so high again. The emotional whiplash of these transitions and falls seem unbearable at times.<\/span><\/p>\n

\"source:<\/a>
source: www.someecards.com<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Here is where I wish I could share some kind of wonderful miracle cure for the emotional whiplash of infertility. Unfortunately I haven\u2019t found one yet. The only thing I can say is that I have learned that the best way for us to handle this is to try to balance our optimism with our realism — to be cautiously optimistic. This is not always easy\u2026 and not everyone understands why it\u2019s important to me to be cautious. But I need to stay balanced. Full on optimism (like last month) will likely lead to a great big fall — so far for us, it has every single time. I certainly hope this is not the case for us forever, but I have to be realistic with myself. There are no guarantees with treatments. And as we\u2019ve learned, there is no guarantee of a live birth even if I get pregnant.<\/span><\/p>\n

Just like I can no longer tolerate real life roller coasters, I do not tolerate being thrown around by infertility very well either. Proceeding with half hope feels right. It feels safe. We need enough hope to keep trying at this point, but I stay cautious in an attempt to guard my heart. The ups and downs, twists and turns are still going to happen. There\u2019s nothing we can do about that, but we can attempt to moderate our expectations. For now we hold on to the hope we have and our cautious optimism, and buckle our seat belts tight.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

reflections on the ups and downs of infertility, and why I need\u00a0to balance optimism and realism When I was younger I loved roller coasters. Loved them. The thrills, the speed, the surprises. Then one summer in college I suddenly became afflicted with motion sickness. Even half hour car rides can make me feel ill, so […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":true,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[8],"tags":[16,14],"class_list":["post-75","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-reflections","tag-cautious-optimism","tag-hope"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p7UmuL-1d","jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":256,"url":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/2016\/11\/08\/support\/","url_meta":{"origin":75,"position":0},"title":"Support","author":"Jenna","date":"November 8, 2016","format":false,"excerpt":"While Matt and I have been lost in the terrible land of infertility, we\u2019ve been the ones guiding our loved ones through it at the same time. 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(This isn\u2019t even all in my head either... most people do have children) Families with children are all over the place: nearly every book or article I read mentions families with children; everywhere I go -- from\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Coping"","block_context":{"text":"Coping","link":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/category\/coping\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/04\/infertility_is_jealousy-1-300x225.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":193,"url":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/2016\/10\/18\/strength\/","url_meta":{"origin":75,"position":4},"title":"Strength","author":"Jenna","date":"October 18, 2016","format":false,"excerpt":"We\u2019ve probably all been told at some point, \u201cWhat doesn\u2019t kill you makes you stronger.\u201d And we\u2019ve seen the motivational posters. We\u2019ve maybe even said it to someone else or told it to ourselves. It seems like such a nice encouragement, and I\u2019ve heard variations of it a number of\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Reflections"","block_context":{"text":"Reflections","link":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/category\/reflections\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"strength","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/10\/strength-300x300.png?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":387,"url":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/2017\/04\/06\/anger\/","url_meta":{"origin":75,"position":5},"title":"Anger","author":"Jenna","date":"April 6, 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"Infertility is anger. I\u2019m angry that I\u2019m experiencing infertility and that all of this is happening to me. I\u2019m angry that I lost a pregnancy. I\u2019m angry that we don\u2019t have a baby yet. I\u2019m angry that my transferred embryos didn\u2019t implant and survive. 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