{"id":423,"date":"2017-05-30T21:33:43","date_gmt":"2017-05-31T03:33:43","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/?p=423"},"modified":"2025-12-11T22:28:00","modified_gmt":"2025-12-12T05:28:00","slug":"hope","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/2017\/05\/30\/hope\/","title":{"rendered":"Hope"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"I\u2019ll be totally honest — when I started writing this \u201cinfertility is<\/a>\u201d series, I thought by the time I got to \u201chope\u201d I\u2019d be ready to write about it. I thought maybe by now I\u2019d have some again or maybe even have some amazing insight about hope after all of my emotional processing following our IVF failure. But as it turns out, I continue to struggle with hopelessness, and I feel entirely unqualified to write about hope.<\/span><\/p>\n

In an attempt to cure my hopelessness, I\u2019ve been searching for hope everywhere — in books, blogs, quotes, exercise, therapy, sermons, meditations, you name it. I even desperately asked my therapist what I could do to feel hopeful again, knowing already that there was no easy answer for this, no checklist or homework assignment I could complete. She told me that I needed to feel my grief first. Sigh. \u201cI\u2019m tired of grieving,\u201d I complained. It\u2019s not fun. It\u2019s not easy. But she was right. Hope cannot be turned on, just as grief cannot be turned off. <\/span><\/p>\n

And after all of my searching, I can only conclude that which I already knew: hope isn\u2019t \u201cout there\u201d waiting to be found — it is within me. As Emily Dickinson said, \u201chope is the thing with feathers\u201d and it\u2019s in my heart singing, or at least trying to. Sometimes it sings loud and clear. Sometimes it sings very, very softly. Emily claims that the thing with feathers never stops singing, but there I think she\u2019s wrong — sometimes all hope is lost. Sometimes the hope inside me actually does stop singing… as if it has completely burned away, leaving only the ashes of my hopes and dreams. <\/span><\/p>\n

When all hope for something is lost, I have to let go of that hope and find something new to hope for. In Resilient Grieving<\/em> the author wrote about redefining what we are hoping for now when all hope has been lost. This really resonated with me because we\u2019ve been redefining hope throughout our infertility journey: at each step in the treatment process we\u2019ve had to let go of the hope that the previous treatment would work and grow new hope that the next treatment would work. Further, infertility has made me consider what I\u2019m hoping for in my life and with Matt in the event that we do not have children. <\/span><\/p>\n

The process of grieving and redefining hope takes a lot of hard work. It\u2019s not quick or easy, and I try to be patient. \u00a0It takes time for my phoenix of hope to grow anew, to slowly rise out of the ashes and start singing in my heart again. I cannot just turn up the volume because I want to. I cannot just turn off all of my other prevailing emotions to feel only the things I want to feel. I have to feel all of my emotions, process and work through them. Only then will there be room for other emotions, space for the phoenix of hope to grow.<\/span><\/p>\n

My infertility is trying to hold onto hope in the face of repeated disappointments, loss, and heartache. It is trying to hope when all seems hopeless. It is struggling to redefine hope after all hope has been lost. It is working through hard emotions and letting new hope grow in my heart again. My infertility is trying to maintain hope that this pain will end, that there will be more peace and joy in my future, and that our lives will continue to be filled with love and happiness regardless of the outcome of our infertility.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I\u2019ll be totally honest — when I started writing this \u201cinfertility is\u201d series, I thought by the time I got to \u201chope\u201d I\u2019d be ready to write about it. I thought maybe by now I\u2019d have some again or maybe even have some amazing insight about hope after all of my emotional processing following our […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[8],"tags":[14,62],"class_list":["post-423","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-reflections","tag-hope","tag-infertility-is"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/s7UmuL-hope","jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":111,"url":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/2016\/10\/04\/reminders-of-hope\/","url_meta":{"origin":423,"position":0},"title":"Reminders of Hope","author":"Jenna","date":"October 4, 2016","format":false,"excerpt":"According to Emily Dickenson, Hope is the thing with feathers - That perches in the soul - And sings the tune without the words - And never stops - at all - (Click here for the full poem.) I think the thought of this is lovely. So lovely that I\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Coping"","block_context":{"text":"Coping","link":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/category\/coping\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.mjblythe.com\/beautiful\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/08\/2016_08_21_TheThingWithFeathers.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":193,"url":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/2016\/10\/18\/strength\/","url_meta":{"origin":423,"position":1},"title":"Strength","author":"Jenna","date":"October 18, 2016","format":false,"excerpt":"We\u2019ve probably all been told at some point, \u201cWhat doesn\u2019t kill you makes you stronger.\u201d And we\u2019ve seen the motivational posters. We\u2019ve maybe even said it to someone else or told it to ourselves. It seems like such a nice encouragement, and I\u2019ve heard variations of it a number of\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Reflections"","block_context":{"text":"Reflections","link":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/category\/reflections\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"strength","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/10\/strength-300x300.png?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":453,"url":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/2020\/10\/24\/in-the-waiting-time\/","url_meta":{"origin":423,"position":2},"title":"In the Waiting Time","author":"Jenna","date":"October 24, 2020","format":false,"excerpt":"It is an honor to have my writing included in Emily R. Long's book In the Waiting Time: Messages from Infertility Warriors. My letter posted below is one of 22 letters included in the book --letters written for, and by, individuals with infertility. I hope that our messages and our\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Coping"","block_context":{"text":"Coping","link":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/category\/coping\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/10\/IWT-Book-Announcement.png?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/10\/IWT-Book-Announcement.png?resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/10\/IWT-Book-Announcement.png?resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/10\/IWT-Book-Announcement.png?resize=700%2C400 2x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/10\/IWT-Book-Announcement.png?resize=1050%2C600 3x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/10\/IWT-Book-Announcement.png?resize=1400%2C800 4x"},"classes":[]},{"id":365,"url":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/2017\/03\/22\/infertility-is\/","url_meta":{"origin":423,"position":3},"title":"Infertility is…","author":"Jenna","date":"March 22, 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"It was hard to first admit to myself that we were experiencing infertility... By the time I did, we\u2019d already found out I wasn\u2019t ovulating on my own, and as a result I\u2019d been through three cycles of clomid. Even though I had already started fertility treatments, I didn\u2019t consider\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Reflections"","block_context":{"text":"Reflections","link":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/category\/reflections\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/03\/infertility_is-1-225x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":381,"url":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/2017\/03\/30\/uncertainty\/","url_meta":{"origin":423,"position":4},"title":"Uncertainty","author":"Jenna","date":"March 30, 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"I am one of those people who likes to plan things\u2026 and I\u2019m not just talking about planning a party or a vacation, although I enjoy organizing those things too; I\u2019m talking about planning my life -- I\u2019ve always had my next move figured out. In high school I always\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Reflections"","block_context":{"text":"Reflections","link":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/category\/reflections\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/03\/infertility_is_uncertainty-300x225.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":418,"url":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/2017\/05\/18\/grief\/","url_meta":{"origin":423,"position":5},"title":"Grief","author":"Jenna","date":"May 18, 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"My infertility is profound grief. My infertility is constantly grieving for the family I desire to have with Matt, for the children I long to hold in my arms and share my life with. It is constantly grieving the loss of what has not happened yet, what could have been\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Reflections"","block_context":{"text":"Reflections","link":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/category\/reflections\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/05\/infertility_is_grief-300x225.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]}],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/423","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=423"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/423\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":426,"href":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/423\/revisions\/426"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=423"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=423"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=423"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}