{"id":404,"date":"2017-04-24T19:32:30","date_gmt":"2017-04-25T01:32:30","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/?p=404"},"modified":"2025-12-11T22:28:01","modified_gmt":"2025-12-12T05:28:01","slug":"isolation","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/2017\/04\/24\/isolation\/","title":{"rendered":"Isolation"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"I was looking for an infertility book at my local big box bookstore the other day and came up empty handed… again. \u00a0Over the course of my infertility journey, I have repeatedly visited this store in person or looked online for local availability searching for specific books and I have been unable to find a single one locally. As I left the store feeling annoyed and alone yet again, various thoughts crossed my mind… \u201cOf course they wouldn\u2019t want to taint their perfect pregnancy section with books about infertility or loss\u201d and \u201cI should know better by now\u201d and \u201cAm I really the only one in this town who might want to read books about infertility or loss?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

The answer to that question is definitely NO — one in eight<\/a> couples have trouble conceiving or maintaining a pregnancy<\/span>\u00a0— but after another failed attempt at finding support in my bookstore, I was still left with the feeling that I am very alone. It also makes me feel like our society values, validates, and supports only the topics I find on the bookshelves — pregnancy, childbirth, and parenting, and grieving losses of parents, siblings or a job; but not infertility or pregnancy or baby loss. I know that it may seem like a minor problem, but it\u2019s more than just not being able to find a book — it\u2019s actually a symptom of a huge problem of infertility: isolation. Not being able to buy my books at the store where everyone else can buy their books makes me feel like I don\u2019t belong, and it is just one of the ways in which infertility makes me feel alone and different.<\/span><\/p>\n

Infertility is isolating because it feels like I\u2019m *the only one* without kids, and as a result, it feels like we do not belong anywhere. Families with children are everywhere. I look around at my community, my neighborhood, and my friends and family, and everywhere I see children\u2026 everywhere but here.<\/span><\/p>\n

Infertility is isolating when I\u2019m around my loved ones and their children — I feel so left out. I\u2019m not in their exclusive mom club, and it hurts of profound sadness, despair, and jealousy. Our children aren\u2019t playing together. We\u2019re not trading clothes and baby toys or signing up for the same swim class. While they move on with their growing families, I\u2019m left behind with my infertility, alone with a broken heart.<\/span><\/p>\n

Infertility is isolating when people make small talk about family or how my [bad] day is going. In a <\/span>previous post about isolation<\/a>, I wrote about how this makes me feel alone and like my experience isn\u2019t acceptable or valid.<\/span><\/p>\n

Infertility is isolating when people avoid me, do not acknowledge my experience, or do not make space for my grief. My reality is hard for people to accept, and it frequently makes people uncomfortable. Sometimes people avoid me or they avoid acknowledging what is happening to me and focus the conversation on anything else instead. Often people try to<\/span> fix my infertility<\/a> or change my feelings instead of accepting my situation and sitting with me while I grieve.<\/span><\/p>\n

Infertility is isolating because it feels like nobody understands. I feel like no one understands all of the complicated emotions and the extent of my heartache. I feel like no one understands how awful it is to be disappointed month after month, year after year, treatment after treatment, or how devastating it is to lose a pregnancy or to be failed by IVF. I feel like I end up on the defensive too often, trying to defend why I\u2019m still sad, or why something upset me, or why we\u2019re making certain treatment choices. I feel like no one understands how broken I feel.<\/span><\/p>\n

I have shared a lot about my experience and have provided many <\/span>resources<\/a> <\/b>to try to help my loved ones understand… but I still feel alone, different, and disconnected. No matter what I do or how hard I try, I still feel like no one gets it, no one is comfortable with me, and no one knows what to say (for a refresher on what to do or say, please visit my <\/span>post on support<\/a>). The fact that it\u2019s even necessary or important for me to blog about this topic should clearly show just how isolating infertility is — under normal circumstances I would have absolutely no interest in so openly sharing such personal thoughts and feelings, and I wish I did not need to.<\/span><\/p>\n

Infertility is isolating when I need to give myself a break from social activities. <\/span>I have written before about how I might decline invitations to social engagements or leave early. Sometimes I\u2019m unwell due to treatment. Sometimes I\u2019m just not up for socializing. Sometimes there is too much focus on children in social situations — I cannot bear watching children for very long or listening to too much conversation about children because it fills me with grief and makes me feel alone. <\/span><\/p>\n

Infertility is isolating when I need to give myself space from communicating with others. Sometimes I\u2019m not ready to handle follow up questions or unsolicited advice. Sometimes I do not think I can handle rehashing my current situation again — it can be difficult for me to relive my pain over and over. Sometimes I\u2019m not ready to talk or share my feelings. Sometimes I have nothing to say. Regardless of the reason, part of caring for myself sometimes means intentionally creating some distance from others.<\/span><\/p>\n

On the other hand, sometimes socializing is just what I need, and many of my loved ones are very eager to connect with me. That said, infertility can still be isolating even when I do want to engage socially, so I have found that it is helpful for me to spread out my social engagements and communications. Spreading things out gives me time and space in between connecting with loved ones to be alone with my grief if necessary, to recover if the experience was draining, and to prepare for my next engagement or conversation. <\/span><\/p>\n

The best things I\u2019ve found for reducing the isolation of infertility are going to<\/span> support group<\/a> and <\/span>reading about infertility<\/a>. Reading, listening to and sharing with others has helped to validate my feelings and normalize my reactions and experience. Hearing others\u2019 stories reminds me again and again that I am not the only one going through this, and it has been so helpful to feel connected to people who truly get it. Having a safe place for understanding and acceptance has been so meaningful to me. However, I will also admit that the remedy of connecting with others still has its limits — support group has greatly reduced my feelings of isolation, but it has not eliminated them.<\/span><\/p>\n

I think infertility is so isolating because the grief is very personal. My dreams are not coming true; my family with Matt is not growing; my heart is breaking. My heartache and loss is so deep and intense, and the powerful grief hits me at my core. I feel like no one can truly understand\u2026 not even Matt. But I know that is not fair — just as he doesn\u2019t know what my experience is like, I don\u2019t know what his is like. Our experiences are unique and personal, and so is our grief. Over time we have learned that our grieving styles are different and that we often need to grieve and process alone. So even though Matt and I are in this together, sometimes I still feel alone because infertility grief is personal. <\/span><\/p>\n

On so many levels, infertility is extremely isolating. I constantly feel like the odd one out, the different one, the only one without a child, even though I know that I\u2019m not alone. I know there are many others out there who know the pain of infertility and loss. I know we have loved ones hoping and and despairing along side us. I know that the best ways to reduce my isolation are to stay connected with people who understand and with people who can accept me. But sometimes I still feel alone… alone in the bookstore; alone in my quiet home; alone in this fertile world without children; alone in my heartache, confusion, and disappointment; alone in my grief. <\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I was looking for an infertility book at my local big box bookstore the other day and came up empty handed… again. \u00a0Over the course of my infertility journey, I have repeatedly visited this store in person or looked online for local availability searching for specific books and I have been unable to find a […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[8],"tags":[12,62,37,18],"class_list":["post-404","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-reflections","tag-grief","tag-infertility-is","tag-isolation","tag-support-group"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p7UmuL-6w","jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":108,"url":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/2016\/09\/30\/my-book-list\/","url_meta":{"origin":404,"position":0},"title":"My Book List","author":"Jenna","date":"September 30, 2016","format":false,"excerpt":"I've read a handful of books on infertility and pregnancy loss... For anyone who might be interested in my book list, here are the ones I've read so far: \u00a0 Trying To Conceive: Making Babies;\u00a0Sami S. David, MD and Jill Blakeway, LAc This was a good resource for me and\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Resources"","block_context":{"text":"Resources","link":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/category\/resources\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"4stars","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/09\/4stars.png?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":365,"url":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/2017\/03\/22\/infertility-is\/","url_meta":{"origin":404,"position":1},"title":"Infertility is…","author":"Jenna","date":"March 22, 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"It was hard to first admit to myself that we were experiencing infertility... By the time I did, we\u2019d already found out I wasn\u2019t ovulating on my own, and as a result I\u2019d been through three cycles of clomid. Even though I had already started fertility treatments, I didn\u2019t consider\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Reflections"","block_context":{"text":"Reflections","link":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/category\/reflections\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/03\/infertility_is-1-225x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":394,"url":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/2017\/04\/13\/jealousy\/","url_meta":{"origin":404,"position":2},"title":"Jealousy","author":"Jenna","date":"April 13, 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"Infertility has made me feel like *everyone else has kids* and I don\u2019t. (This isn\u2019t even all in my head either... most people do have children) Families with children are all over the place: nearly every book or article I read mentions families with children; everywhere I go -- from\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Coping"","block_context":{"text":"Coping","link":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/category\/coping\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/04\/infertility_is_jealousy-1-300x225.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":418,"url":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/2017\/05\/18\/grief\/","url_meta":{"origin":404,"position":3},"title":"Grief","author":"Jenna","date":"May 18, 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"My infertility is profound grief. My infertility is constantly grieving for the family I desire to have with Matt, for the children I long to hold in my arms and share my life with. It is constantly grieving the loss of what has not happened yet, what could have been\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Reflections"","block_context":{"text":"Reflections","link":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/category\/reflections\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/05\/infertility_is_grief-300x225.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":284,"url":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/2017\/02\/23\/more-books\/","url_meta":{"origin":404,"position":4},"title":"More Books","author":"Jenna","date":"February 23, 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"Here are a few more books that I've read since my first book list post: Infertility: Silent Sorority: A (barren) Woman Gets Busy, Angry, Lost and Found;\u00a0Pamela Mahoney Tsigdinos This memoir was fantastic. She writes about her infertility, treatment, considering adoption, and coming to terms with her childlessness. For anyone\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Resources"","block_context":{"text":"Resources","link":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/category\/resources\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"5stars","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/09\/5stars-150x33.png?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":423,"url":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/2017\/05\/30\/hope\/","url_meta":{"origin":404,"position":5},"title":"Hope","author":"Jenna","date":"May 30, 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"I\u2019ll be totally honest -- when I started writing this \u201cinfertility is\u201d series, I thought by the time I got to \u201chope\u201d I\u2019d be ready to write about it. I thought maybe by now I\u2019d have some again or maybe even have some amazing insight about hope after all of\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Reflections"","block_context":{"text":"Reflections","link":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/category\/reflections\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/05\/infertility_is_hope-300x225.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]}],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/404","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=404"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/404\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":408,"href":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/404\/revisions\/408"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=404"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=404"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=404"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}