{"id":381,"date":"2017-03-30T14:33:07","date_gmt":"2017-03-30T20:33:07","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/?p=381"},"modified":"2025-12-11T22:28:02","modified_gmt":"2025-12-12T05:28:02","slug":"uncertainty","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/2017\/03\/30\/uncertainty\/","title":{"rendered":"Uncertainty"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"I am one of those people who likes to plan things\u2026 and I\u2019m not just talking about planning a party or a vacation, although I enjoy organizing those things too; I\u2019m talking about planning my life — I\u2019ve always had my next move figured out. In high school I always knew the classes I\u2019d be taking the next year. In college I carefully planned out my courses way ahead of time in order to fit in all of my requirements for a double major. During our engagement we planned for our new lives across the country in addition to planning our awesome wedding, and since we\u2019ve been married we\u2019ve always been planning one or two steps ahead. I\u2019m always looking into the future, working on achieving my goals.<\/span><\/p>\n

But I never planned for infertility. I never planned for not being able to have children. I never planned to lose a pregnancy. I never planned to have to cope with such heartbreak and despair. \u00a0I never planned to figure out what to do with myself in the event that I\u2019m not able to achieve my goal of being a mom.<\/p>\n

I used to be able to see my life ahead of me so clearly, but now when I look into the future, I have no idea what\u2019s coming — I only see the dark haze of uncertainty. Nothing is clear anymore in my future\u2026 and it\u2019s terrifying. Thanks to infertility, the uncertainty of my future scares me daily. I truly have no idea where my path is going… Will I have children or not? If I don\u2019t, will I be okay? Will I recover?<\/p>\n

Infertility is uncertainty… not knowing what to expect, not knowing what to do, not knowing what the future holds. It is not knowing if any particular month will be *the month*. It is not knowing if the next treatment is worth it, or if I have it in me for another treatment. It is putting everything on hold while we pursue treatments\u2026 and as a result, infertility is not knowing when we will be able to work on certain projects, do this or that, or travel here or there. Infertility is not knowing when or how this journey will end. It is not knowing if I will ever become a mother to living children. It is not knowing if we will have biological children, or if we will adopt children. It is is not knowing what I\u2019m going to do with my life if we do not have children in our family. It is not knowing how to cope with all of the disappointments of infertility or how to heal from the deep wounds it has created. The uncertainty of infertility has turned my once carefully planned future into a giant question mark.<\/p>\n

For my whole life all I have ever wanted to be \u201cwhen I grew up\u201d was a mom\u2026 but infertility is crushing this dream more and more everyday. I no longer know for certain that I\u2019ll be a mom; it actually might not happen. And unfortunately infertility isn\u2019t one of those things I can work harder at to achieve my goal. Unlike most things in life I can\u2019t study, learn, or work my way out of this problem — in the end the result is entirely out of my control. None of the family building options for those of us struggling with infertility are guaranteed\u2026 treatments, fostering, and adoption are all risky endeavors with uncertain outcomes. The uncertainty and the constant, repetitive disappointments<\/a> make it very difficult to have the hope and courage necessary to continue trying to move forward in reaching our goal of becoming parents. Decision-making has become very complicated and almost paralyzing at times. It is hard to know what to do when we have absolutely no idea what to expect and when we\u2019re already so heartbroken — we\u2019re afraid of being hurt again. The uncertainty is overwhelming.<\/p>\n

Sometimes I think to myself that if someone could tell me the future and end this miserable uncertainty of mine, it would be such a relief. If someone could tell me whether or not we will become parents to living children… if someone could tell me whether or not our treatments will be successful, or if someone could tell me whether or not we will end up adopting\u2026 I like to tell myself that knowing my future would let me accept it and move forward. I would be able to start making plans again. I would be able to know whether to keep pursuing treatments or not. I would be able to start finding my new direction and working towards closure.<\/p>\n

However, when I consider knowing the future, I think I\u2019d only find comfort in knowing the outcome if it is the one I want. If children are absolutely not in my future, then I probably wouldn\u2019t want to hear it right now because it would not be a relief; it would be devastating. It is not safe, nor comfortable living in limbo, but while I\u2019m here I still have hope that living children are in my future… and that hope keeps me going. If I were to find out that all hope for children is lost, I would be lost. I do not know what I am going to do with my life if motherhood is not in my future. I hope that I would be okay and find a new direction of some kind, but I am terrified of facing that reality and I am so uncertain of how to cope with that disappointment.<\/span><\/p>\n

Either way, there\u2019s no one who can answer these questions for me, and I\u2019m left with my infertility and its uncertainty, and all of the heartache, stress, and hard decisions that come along with not knowing what\u2019s ahead. I\u2019m left feeling lost and confused, and I don\u2019t know what I\u2019m going to do now or what we\u2019re going to do next or what we\u2019re going to do down the road\u2026 Resolution, closure, and future planning are out of my reach in my painful, scary, uncertain world of infertility.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I am one of those people who likes to plan things\u2026 and I\u2019m not just talking about planning a party or a vacation, although I enjoy organizing those things too; I\u2019m talking about planning my life — I\u2019ve always had my next move figured out. In high school I always knew the classes I\u2019d be […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[8],"tags":[62,67],"class_list":["post-381","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-reflections","tag-infertility-is","tag-uncertainty"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p7UmuL-69","jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":31,"url":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/2016\/09\/17\/toasting-our-survival\/","url_meta":{"origin":381,"position":0},"title":"Toasting Our Survival","author":"Jenna","date":"September 17, 2016","format":false,"excerpt":"Months ago when we sat down and planned out our first few weeks of date nights I included \u201cbubble bath & champagne\u201d in our list. During that first bubble bath while drinking champagne, it occurred to me how much I really liked champagne\u2026 and by champagne I mean a sparkling\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Coping"","block_context":{"text":"Coping","link":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/category\/coping\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"toasting_our_survival","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/09\/toasting_our_survival-241x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":418,"url":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/2017\/05\/18\/grief\/","url_meta":{"origin":381,"position":1},"title":"Grief","author":"Jenna","date":"May 18, 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"My infertility is profound grief. My infertility is constantly grieving for the family I desire to have with Matt, for the children I long to hold in my arms and share my life with. It is constantly grieving the loss of what has not happened yet, what could have been\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Reflections"","block_context":{"text":"Reflections","link":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/category\/reflections\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/05\/infertility_is_grief-300x225.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":375,"url":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/2017\/03\/28\/disappointment\/","url_meta":{"origin":381,"position":2},"title":"Disappointment","author":"Jenna","date":"March 28, 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"Infertility is constant disappointment\u2026 to the point where you\u2019d think I\u2019d have so much practice being disappointed that it wouldn\u2019t hurt anymore, but it does. As it turns out, no amount of practice makes a failed treatment easier to accept; no amount of living with infertility makes the disappointment of\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Reflections"","block_context":{"text":"Reflections","link":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/category\/reflections\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/03\/infertility_is_disappointment-300x225.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":308,"url":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/2017\/01\/23\/coming-to-terms-with-ivf\/","url_meta":{"origin":381,"position":3},"title":"Coming to Terms with IVF","author":"Jenna","date":"January 23, 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"I\u2019ll admit it: I used to say that I\u2019d never do IVF if I couldn\u2019t get pregnant. I used to tell myself I'd accept that pregnancy wasn't in the cards for me and I'd stop pursuing it. But then again, I never imagined that I would actually have any difficulty\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Reflections"","block_context":{"text":"Reflections","link":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/category\/reflections\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/01\/coming2terms-1-300x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":365,"url":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/2017\/03\/22\/infertility-is\/","url_meta":{"origin":381,"position":4},"title":"Infertility is…","author":"Jenna","date":"March 22, 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"It was hard to first admit to myself that we were experiencing infertility... By the time I did, we\u2019d already found out I wasn\u2019t ovulating on my own, and as a result I\u2019d been through three cycles of clomid. Even though I had already started fertility treatments, I didn\u2019t consider\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Reflections"","block_context":{"text":"Reflections","link":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/category\/reflections\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/03\/infertility_is-1-225x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":275,"url":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/2016\/12\/02\/coping-this-christmas\/","url_meta":{"origin":381,"position":5},"title":"Coping This Christmas","author":"Jenna","date":"December 2, 2016","format":false,"excerpt":"Well. It\u2019s officially that time of year -- the \u201cmost wonderful\u201d time of year. Christmas. Christmas is my favorite holiday. I\u2019ve always loved it. It is such a special time for families -- being together, sharing meals and gifts. Baking cookies. Watching Christmas movies. Making snowmen. Driving around looking at\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Coping"","block_context":{"text":"Coping","link":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/category\/coping\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"christmas2016","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/12\/christmas2016-300x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]}],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/381","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=381"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/381\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":384,"href":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/381\/revisions\/384"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=381"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=381"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=381"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}