{"id":313,"date":"2017-01-28T15:42:05","date_gmt":"2017-01-28T22:42:05","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/?p=313"},"modified":"2025-12-11T22:28:06","modified_gmt":"2025-12-12T05:28:06","slug":"mixed-emotions","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/2017\/01\/28\/mixed-emotions\/","title":{"rendered":"Mixed Emotions"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"As we prepare to begin the stimulation phase of IVF in a few weeks, I have been thinking hard about all of the things I\u2019m feeling\u2026 and it\u2019s certainly a mix. Many people assume that I\u2019m feeling very excited and optimistic, and while I certainly do feel those things right now, I also have some darker feelings that I need to acknowledge. It\u2019s most important for me to acknowledge them to myself, but I figured it can\u2019t hurt too much to share some of them here for anyone seeking validation on their IVF feelings or anyone wanting to know how I am really feeling.<\/span><\/p>\n

So I won\u2019t lie. I\u2019ll be honest. I\u2019ll admit my feelings — the good and the bad.<\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019m feeling scared about IVF. Scared of the numerous needles, injections, and blood draws. Scared of surgery. Scared of all of the side effects that might occur. I had to sign 44 pages of consent forms, and while not all of those were related to the medications and procedures, many of them were. I\u2019m scared of how I\u2019ll feel when I know the final mature egg count, the fertilization count, and healthy embryo count. Mostly I\u2019m scared of what we\u2019re going to do if IVF doesn\u2019t work.<\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019m feeling disappointed. There was a little hope inside me that a miracle would occur between October (when we signed up for IVF) and now and I\u2019d get pregnant naturally. I was hoping I\u2019d be one of those people who\u2019d sign up for IVF and my lucky pregnancy would happen and there\u2019d be no need for IVF. I\u2019ve known for months and months that our chances of natural conception are ridiculously small, but it\u2019s hard to silence the little internal voice that hopefully whispers to me, \u201cwhat if this is the month?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019m feeling a little surprised that we\u2019re going to do IVF. The surprise feeling is two fold. First: I\u2019ve written about how I never thought I\u2019d do IVF<\/a>, but here we are. Second: we fully expected IUIs to work. My ectopic pregnancy was the result our first IUI after all, but in the three IUIs following my pregnancy, our male factor infertility problem was confirmed and there\u2019s some concern about how much damage my ectopic pregnancy might have actually caused. Therefore, even though I\u2019ve come to terms with our decision to pursue IVF, it\u2019s still a little surprising to me that we\u2019re actually going to do it — we thought we\u2019d already found a successful treatment.<\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019m feeling a little angry. And before anyone judges me and thinks that I shouldn\u2019t be angry — bear with me, because infertility truly sucks. How could it *not* cause some anger? How could my pregnancy loss *not* cause some anger? These experiences are horrible. They are heartbreaking and difficult. They are unfair. They happen to good people who don\u2019t deserve it. So yes, I\u2019m feeling a little angry that we\u2019re at the point where the challenging process of IVF is our best option. Natural conception aside, we were *so hopeful* that the other treatments we\u2019ve tried would work, but they didn\u2019t. After nearly two years of treatments, we\u2019re very frustrated, and a little angry, to still be without a living child in our arms.<\/span><\/p>\n

Luckily I also have some good feelings about IVF — I\u2019m starting to feel excited about the possibility of success. I am starting to feel optimistic. Right now IVF looks like our best chance for bringing a baby into our family. Dr. Two believes that our odds for success are good, and that is exciting. <\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019m also feeling grateful that we\u2019re good candidates for IVF and that we\u2019re able to move forward and give it a try. Not everyone who experiences infertility is eligible for or able to do IVF and I\u2019m thankful that we are. I\u2019m glad for the opportunity and so grateful for the support we have as we pursue it.<\/span><\/p>\n

All of that said, the emotion that\u2019s really ruling the day right now is feeling ready for IVF. At least as ready as I can be. How can one truly prepare for this anyway? I believe I\u2019ve done as much as I can to prepare for what\u2019s ahead. I have read and read and read; I have showered my medical team with questions; I have asked previous IVF patients about their experiences. And I am ready to give this treatment all we\u2019ve got. I\u2019m ready for needles, blood draws, and injections. I\u2019m ready to keep track of hormone levels and dosage amounts. I\u2019m ready to handle the bruises and manage side effects. I\u2019m ready for ultrasounds. I\u2019m ready for surgery and transfer. <\/span><\/p>\n

We\u2019ve been waiting and waiting for some good news and we\u2019re ready for it. I\u2019m ready to become pregnant and bring home a healthy baby in the end. And if the outcome of our IVF cycle is bad, I\u2019m not sure that any amount of preparation would have been adequate\u2026 so we\u2019ll take it one day at a time, and survive together — good news or bad. I am scared and disappointed and surprised and even a little angry. I am excited and optimistic and full of gratitude. But I\u2019m also ready, and at this point, I think that\u2019s what matters the most.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

As we prepare to begin the stimulation phase of IVF in a few weeks, I have been thinking hard about all of the things I\u2019m feeling\u2026 and it\u2019s certainly a mix. Many people assume that I\u2019m feeling very excited and optimistic, and while I certainly do feel those things right now, I also have some […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":true,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[8],"tags":[34,40,54,39,55,22],"class_list":["post-313","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-reflections","tag-gratitude","tag-injections","tag-ivf","tag-medications","tag-ready","tag-waiting"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p7UmuL-53","jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":355,"url":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/2017\/02\/28\/observations-and-fun-facts\/","url_meta":{"origin":313,"position":0},"title":"Observations and Fun Facts","author":"Jenna","date":"February 28, 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"During the stimulation phase of IVF, my cat and I were taking the same steroid. It was even the same dosage. I like to wear fun socks to amuse my doctor and nurses (and myself). During IVF there are many, many appointments, and my socks have been giving me something\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Coping"","block_context":{"text":"Coping","link":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/category\/coping\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":242,"url":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/2016\/11\/05\/there-are-no-quick-fixes-for-infertility\/","url_meta":{"origin":313,"position":1},"title":"There Are No Quick Fixes for Infertility","author":"Jenna","date":"November 5, 2016","format":false,"excerpt":"So many times when someone we love is upset, we try to make them feel better. We don\u2019t like it when someone is hurting or sad, and we try to fix it. So we might suggest ways for them to look on the bright side, or give them tips on\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Awareness"","block_context":{"text":"Awareness","link":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/category\/awareness\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"no_quick_fixes","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/11\/no_quick_fixes-242x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":284,"url":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/2017\/02\/23\/more-books\/","url_meta":{"origin":313,"position":2},"title":"More Books","author":"Jenna","date":"February 23, 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"Here are a few more books that I've read since my first book list post: Infertility: Silent Sorority: A (barren) Woman Gets Busy, Angry, Lost and Found;\u00a0Pamela Mahoney Tsigdinos This memoir was fantastic. She writes about her infertility, treatment, considering adoption, and coming to terms with her childlessness. For anyone\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Resources"","block_context":{"text":"Resources","link":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/category\/resources\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"5stars","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/09\/5stars-150x33.png?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":335,"url":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/2017\/02\/06\/due-date\/","url_meta":{"origin":313,"position":3},"title":"Due Date","author":"Jenna","date":"February 6, 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"After shrieking with joy and sharing the news with Matt, one of the first things I did after finding out I was pregnant last summer was calculate the due date for our baby: February 6, 2017. This date has been imprinted on my heart from that day. And after months\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Reflections"","block_context":{"text":"Reflections","link":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/category\/reflections\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/02\/due_date-243x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":308,"url":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/2017\/01\/23\/coming-to-terms-with-ivf\/","url_meta":{"origin":313,"position":4},"title":"Coming to Terms with IVF","author":"Jenna","date":"January 23, 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"I\u2019ll admit it: I used to say that I\u2019d never do IVF if I couldn\u2019t get pregnant. I used to tell myself I'd accept that pregnancy wasn't in the cards for me and I'd stop pursuing it. But then again, I never imagined that I would actually have any difficulty\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Reflections"","block_context":{"text":"Reflections","link":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/category\/reflections\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/01\/coming2terms-1-300x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":361,"url":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/2017\/03\/16\/one-day-at-a-time\/","url_meta":{"origin":313,"position":5},"title":"One day at a time","author":"Jenna","date":"March 16, 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"I wish I knew the secret to fixing a broken heart... But I don\u2019t. Instead, I\u2019m here with my heart shattered all over, trying to collect all of the pieces and put them back together; trying to make sense of this mess around me and the uncertainty of my future;\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Coping"","block_context":{"text":"Coping","link":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/category\/coping\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]}],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/313","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=313"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/313\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":373,"href":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/313\/revisions\/373"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=313"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=313"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=313"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}