{"id":31,"date":"2016-09-17T19:17:01","date_gmt":"2016-09-18T01:17:01","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/?p=31"},"modified":"2025-12-11T22:28:49","modified_gmt":"2025-12-12T05:28:49","slug":"toasting-our-survival","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/2016\/09\/17\/toasting-our-survival\/","title":{"rendered":"Toasting Our Survival"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"toasting_our_survival\"Months ago when we sat down and planned out our first few weeks of date nights I included \u201cbubble bath & champagne\u201d in our list. During that first bubble bath while drinking champagne, it occurred to me how much I really liked champagne\u2026 and by champagne I mean a sparkling wine because \u201creal\u201d champagne is only from a certain part of France and the kind we like is from somewhere else\u2026 it\u2019s sweeter. In fact, when we asked for it to be served at our wedding we were informed it was a \u201cdowngrade\u201d because it wasn\u2019t the real stuff. We didn\u2019t care. It\u2019s yummy. Anyway, I digress. I decided then and there in the bathtub that every month following, whenever my period arrived, we would treat ourselves to a bottle of champagne. Not to celebrate another month of disappointment and loss, certainly not that, but instead to celebrate each other and our survival of another month trekking through hell trying to grow our family. Because survival is truly what we are doing, and every month that this pain doesn\u2019t swallow me whole is a month worth celebrating.<\/span><\/p>\n

When people first learn about our little champagne celebration I always have to explain that we\u2019re celebrating our survival; it\u2019s not some dark humoured celebration of our losses. Nor are we trying to drink our worries away. It\u2019s just that after a month of hoping and dreaming and going through treatment, just to be disappointed again, it\u2019s nice to take a few minutes to toast each other and indulge in a sweet, bubbly treat while we celebrate our survival.<\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019ve chosen the word \u201csurvival\u201d carefully\u2026 However, with that said, I\u2019m not sure how intentional it was when we first started our champagne celebrations. I think at that time, the word just seemed right. But in the months since as I\u2019ve shared with friends our little tradition and had time to process it more, I\u2019ve come to the point of using the word survival very intentionally. I\u2019ve seen things online of \u201covercoming infertility\u201d or \u201cbattling infertility\u201d… but thinking of it in terms of survival resonates more with me.<\/span><\/p>\n

Thinking of \u201covercoming\u201d or \u201cbattling\u201d my infertility doesn\u2019t sit well with me for a couple of reasons. To start, considering I\u2019m still in the middle of my infertility, using words like \u201covercome\u201d seems a bit ahead of the game, and I wouldn\u2019t want to tempt fate by suggesting that I\u2019ve already overcome it. I haven\u2019t. And when will my infertility be \u201covercome\u201d? Will it be overcome if and when I finally hold my own child in my arms? Because if that is it, what if that day never comes? Then I\u2019ll have failed to overcome infertility, or lost the battle. Right? Wrong. I don\u2019t want to think that if we end up childless that we\u2019ll be the losers in this. I like to hope that if we end up childless we\u2019ll make our peace with it and that we\u2019ll be ok. Instead of feeling like \u201covercoming\u201d is empowering me, it makes me feel like it\u2019s setting me up for failure because I\u2019m just not sure where I\u2019m going to end up.<\/span><\/p>\n

The thought of my infertility as a battle doesn\u2019t sit well with me either. A battle seems to imply to me that there might be a disastrous end to this. Battles mean people die. And while I have had an enormous amount of loss during this process, including an ectopic pregnancy, thinking of my baby being a causality in a battle is disturbing and sad. Battles also imply weapons\u2026 \u00a0and while I have days where I do feel like I\u2019m pulling out big guns to fight this problem I have, I\u2019m ultimately trying to create life, not destroy it. So battle terminology doesn\u2019t resonate with me.<\/span><\/p>\n

But survival. It does. Survival may not seem very empowering, but it is to me. It might not be for anyone else, but it\u2019s right for me. It\u2019s not arrogant or destructive, and it acknowledges that something terrible is happening, but that I\u2019ve made it through, or rather that I\u2019m making my way through. I\u2019m doing my best to keep going, to grasp at threads of hope even when I feel like I\u2019ve reached the end of the rope. Surviving my infertility means to me that it\u2019s not keeping me down forever. I do have (lots of) bad days, but so far I have made it through those bad days 100% of the time\u2026 So I\u2019m going to plan on continuing to survive. The journey is hard, and has been full of heartbreak and despair, but surviving it means I\u2019m going to keep going regardless of where this crazy road is taking us. And along the way, I\u2019m going to occasionally toast with Matt our amazing ability to continue forward together.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Months ago when we sat down and planned out our first few weeks of date nights I included \u201cbubble bath & champagne\u201d in our list. During that first bubble bath while drinking champagne, it occurred to me how much I really liked champagne\u2026 and by champagne I mean a sparkling wine because \u201creal\u201d champagne is […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":true,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[9],"tags":[25,26,24],"class_list":["post-31","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-coping","tag-marriage","tag-toasting","tag-together"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p7UmuL-v","jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":39,"url":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/2016\/09\/19\/date-nights\/","url_meta":{"origin":31,"position":0},"title":"Date Nights","author":"Jenna","date":"September 19, 2016","format":false,"excerpt":"Early this year during a hard time, I decided we were going to plan date nights to keep us busy and have activities to look forward to. At first Matt thought they were a bit silly, but he\u2019s a good sport so he went along with it. Now they are\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Coping"","block_context":{"text":"Coping","link":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/category\/coping\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"date_nights","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/09\/date_nights-223x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":453,"url":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/2020\/10\/24\/in-the-waiting-time\/","url_meta":{"origin":31,"position":1},"title":"In the Waiting Time","author":"Jenna","date":"October 24, 2020","format":false,"excerpt":"It is an honor to have my writing included in Emily R. Long's book In the Waiting Time: Messages from Infertility Warriors. My letter posted below is one of 22 letters included in the book --letters written for, and by, individuals with infertility. I hope that our messages and our\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Coping"","block_context":{"text":"Coping","link":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/category\/coping\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/10\/IWT-Book-Announcement.png?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/10\/IWT-Book-Announcement.png?resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/10\/IWT-Book-Announcement.png?resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/10\/IWT-Book-Announcement.png?resize=700%2C400 2x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/10\/IWT-Book-Announcement.png?resize=1050%2C600 3x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/10\/IWT-Book-Announcement.png?resize=1400%2C800 4x"},"classes":[]},{"id":275,"url":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/2016\/12\/02\/coping-this-christmas\/","url_meta":{"origin":31,"position":2},"title":"Coping This Christmas","author":"Jenna","date":"December 2, 2016","format":false,"excerpt":"Well. It\u2019s officially that time of year -- the \u201cmost wonderful\u201d time of year. Christmas. Christmas is my favorite holiday. I\u2019ve always loved it. It is such a special time for families -- being together, sharing meals and gifts. Baking cookies. Watching Christmas movies. Making snowmen. Driving around looking at\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Coping"","block_context":{"text":"Coping","link":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/category\/coping\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"christmas2016","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/12\/christmas2016-300x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":204,"url":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/2016\/10\/27\/october-the-awareness-month\/","url_meta":{"origin":31,"position":3},"title":"October: The Awareness Month","author":"Jenna","date":"October 27, 2016","format":false,"excerpt":"Most people in the US probably know that that October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. We\u2019ve all seen the hot pink yogurt lids, hot pink jerseys on athletes, and the messes of hot pink ribbons, lanyards, shirts, and buttons in the grocery store. The hot pink items for breast cancer\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Awareness"","block_context":{"text":"Awareness","link":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/category\/awareness\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"october","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/10\/october-300x275.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":92,"url":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/2016\/09\/24\/the-two-week-wait\/","url_meta":{"origin":31,"position":4},"title":"The Two Week Wait","author":"Jenna","date":"September 24, 2016","format":false,"excerpt":"By this point in our infertility journey I should be able to consider Matt and myself experts in practicing patience. After all, we have waited and waited and waited. We have waited in doctor\u2019s offices and our local hospital. We have waited in labs and pharmacies. We have waited for\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Reflections"","block_context":{"text":"Reflections","link":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/category\/reflections\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"two_week_wait","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/09\/two_week_wait-225x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":75,"url":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/2016\/09\/21\/the-roller-coaster-of-infertility\/","url_meta":{"origin":31,"position":5},"title":"The Roller Coaster of Infertility","author":"Jenna","date":"September 21, 2016","format":false,"excerpt":"reflections on the ups and downs of infertility, and why I need\u00a0to balance optimism and realism When I was younger I loved roller coasters. Loved them. The thrills, the speed, the surprises. Then one summer in college I suddenly became afflicted with motion sickness. Even half hour car rides can\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Reflections"","block_context":{"text":"Reflections","link":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/category\/reflections\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"roller_coaster","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/09\/roller_coaster-227x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]}],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/31","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=31"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/31\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":78,"href":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/31\/revisions\/78"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=31"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=31"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=31"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}