{"id":289,"date":"2016-12-13T21:27:45","date_gmt":"2016-12-14T04:27:45","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/?p=289"},"modified":"2025-12-11T22:28:25","modified_gmt":"2025-12-12T05:28:25","slug":"scrapbooking","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/2016\/12\/13\/scrapbooking\/","title":{"rendered":"Scrapbooking"},"content":{"rendered":"

I started scrapbooking when I was in high school. My mom has scrapbooked for years, and ever since I started my own albums, it\u2019s something we love to do together. We like to go shopping and find fun stickers and paper that will coordinate with photos and mementos. When possible we like to work on our pages together too — but this is a rare treat now since I live across the country. Now we like to sit together with tea and look through each other\u2019s albums that we\u2019ve worked on since our last visit. We look at the pictures, read journal entries and letters, and share memories.<\/span><\/p>\n

But, like so many other things, infertility and loss have affected my relationship with my scrapbooks, and I have really struggled with scrapbooking since my pregnancy ended. And I think the reasons for this are complicated and tough. It\u2019s been hard to admit to myself the reasons for my disconnect with scrapbooking…<\/span><\/p>\n

To start, like with my lettering practice and <\/span>other creative endeavors<\/a>, I no longer feel inspired. On days when I feel like I might want to scrapbook, I go sit at my desk and look at my pictures and papers, and I have no inspiration, no vision of a completed page, no desire to arrange them nicely and write down thoughts or notes. I look at the completed pages and sometimes it feels like someone else must have completed those ones because I can\u2019t imagine having the inspiration to put that all together. In the last six months, I have scrapbooked only two single-sided pages. My materials have sat out for months with no forward movement.<\/span><\/p>\n

But it goes so much deeper than *just* a lack of inspiration. <\/span><\/p>\n

When I look at older pictures, I see myself before infertility, innocent and happy, with no idea of what\u2019s in store for my future with infertility. I\u2019m reminded of the dreams and expectations my former self held close, and then I think of my present state, heartbroken and disappointed\u2026 In those moments I struggle with acceptance of what\u2019s happened. (\u201cThis wasn\u2019t how it was *supposed* to be!\u201d) <\/span>I feel like I look different now<\/a> too, and I struggle with acceptance of those changes — whether they are physical or psychological. Sometimes it\u2019s hard to even look at pictures of myself because it reminds me of all of the innocence, hopes, and dreams that I\u2019ve lost since the photo was taken. <\/span><\/p>\n

And to be quite honest, I\u2019ve really struggled with the thought that if I do not have children, who even cares if I\u2019ve preserved our memories in scrapbooks? Who cares about our photos, our travel journals and mementos, or our progress on house projects and landscaping? Who cares about the silly things our cats do or the presents Matt received on his birthday? What does any of it matter?<\/span><\/p>\n

I admitted this to Matt recently and I think he was pretty horrified… But seriously, my mind goes there and I think it\u2019s important that I\u2019m honest with myself about it. Because scrapbooking is (or was\u2026) a favorite hobby of mine and if I\u2019m going to be able to continue doing it, I need to make peace with the things holding me back. Inspiration is one thing — I\u2019m ok with waiting for inspiration and exploring other ways to be creative in the meantime. However, accepting my situation and facing my concerns about preserving memories without children to pass them to definitely need to be addressed if I want to continue scrapbooking. <\/span><\/p>\n

Accepting this disappointment and the gap between what I *thought* family building would be like for us, and what it is *actually* like is a constant practice, a work in progress. I\u2019m working on accepting what\u2019s happened and what continues to happen. I\u2019m working on accepting this new me, scarred — both physically and emotionally — by my experience. But acceptance is a lot harder than it might seem. In time I hope that when I look at old pictures, it won\u2019t hurt so much, but right now it does. So in the meantime, I\u2019m trying to be patient while I give myself space for acceptance.<\/span><\/p>\n

When I asked Matt, \u201cWho even cares if I scrapbook if we don\u2019t have children?\u201d after the initial shock subsided, he responded that *we* care if our memories are recorded; that we like having our photos printed and journaled; that it\u2019s for us. And I suppose he\u2019s right… <\/span><\/p>\n

After all, I didn\u2019t start scrapbooking as a highschooler years ago with the intent of passing them down to my children — I scrapbooked for me. Because I liked it. Because it was fun. Because I enjoyed revisiting my photos, writing down reflections, and sharing the finished product with friends and family. We like having our finished albums on the shelf, ready to look over together. Not everyday, but sometimes. And I\u2019ve enjoyed showing albums to friends and family who are featured in them, or to someone who is soon to be visiting a place we\u2019ve traveled to previously. <\/span><\/p>\n

But at the same time, there was always a part of me that was excited and proud to have our photo albums ready to share with future generations\u2026 and not knowing if I will have children to pass our memories to is hard for me. So I\u2019m working on letting go of that and reclaiming scrapbooking for myself. Like accepting my situation, letting go of the desire to preserve our memories for children is a work in progress. I\u2019m trying to be patient and give myself space to feel these things and let them go; to acknowledge that this is holding me back; to accept that whether or not we have kids doesn\u2019t matter for my photo preservation — if I like scrapbooking I should do it for me. <\/span><\/p>\n

However, it\u2019s easy for me to sit here and type out the list of what I need to do. Knowing that I need to accept these things is different from actually doing them. But I\u2019m working on it. <\/span><\/p>\n

One of these days I\u2019ll get back upstairs and I\u2019ll finish scrapbooking that trip I\u2019m working on. I\u2019ll tackle the next year, and revisit all of the things we did that year and memorialize the loved ones we lost. I\u2019ll work through our photos and record memories so that Matt and I can revisit them when we want. I\u2019ll finish pages so that my mom and I can drink tea and look through my albums. I\u2019ll work on my scrapbooks because it\u2019s something that used to bring me joy, and I believe it still can — when I\u2019m ready.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I started scrapbooking when I was in high school. My mom has scrapbooked for years, and ever since I started my own albums, it\u2019s something we love to do together. We like to go shopping and find fun stickers and paper that will coordinate with photos and mementos. When possible we like to work on […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[8],"tags":[19,50,32,52],"class_list":["post-289","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-reflections","tag-acceptance","tag-creativity","tag-journaling","tag-scrapbooking"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p7UmuL-4F","jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":282,"url":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/2016\/12\/05\/creativity\/","url_meta":{"origin":289,"position":0},"title":"Creativity","author":"Jenna","date":"December 5, 2016","format":false,"excerpt":"At the beginning of this year I decided that I would work on my hand lettering skills\u2026 I intended to pick a theme for each month, then letter and illustrate quotes in that theme, and post them on my other blog. For five months I stayed the course and I\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Coping"","block_context":{"text":"Coping","link":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/category\/coping\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":39,"url":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/2016\/09\/19\/date-nights\/","url_meta":{"origin":289,"position":1},"title":"Date Nights","author":"Jenna","date":"September 19, 2016","format":false,"excerpt":"Early this year during a hard time, I decided we were going to plan date nights to keep us busy and have activities to look forward to. At first Matt thought they were a bit silly, but he\u2019s a good sport so he went along with it. 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During that first bubble bath while drinking champagne, it occurred to me how much I really liked champagne\u2026 and by champagne I mean a sparkling\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Coping"","block_context":{"text":"Coping","link":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/category\/coping\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"toasting_our_survival","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/09\/toasting_our_survival-241x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":111,"url":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/2016\/10\/04\/reminders-of-hope\/","url_meta":{"origin":289,"position":4},"title":"Reminders of Hope","author":"Jenna","date":"October 4, 2016","format":false,"excerpt":"According to Emily Dickenson, Hope is the thing with feathers - That perches in the soul - And sings the tune without the words - And never stops - at all - (Click here for the full poem.) I think the thought of this is lovely. 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