{"id":275,"date":"2016-12-02T12:42:08","date_gmt":"2016-12-02T19:42:08","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/?p=275"},"modified":"2025-12-11T22:28:26","modified_gmt":"2025-12-12T05:28:26","slug":"coping-this-christmas","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/2016\/12\/02\/coping-this-christmas\/","title":{"rendered":"Coping This Christmas"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"christmas2016\"Well. It\u2019s officially that time of year — the \u201cmost wonderful\u201d time of year. Christmas.<\/span><\/p>\n

Christmas is my favorite holiday. I\u2019ve always loved it. It is such a special time for families — being together, sharing meals and gifts. Baking cookies. Watching Christmas movies. Making snowmen. Driving around looking at lights. Going to the candlelight Christmas Eve service and singing carols. Drinking hot chocolate and playing games. It\u2019s such a happy time of year.<\/span><\/p>\n

At least for most people. <\/span><\/p>\n

Not for me this year. Or last year. Or the year before. Christmas has become a sad time for us because it emphasizes family and traditions, and it marks another year gone without having children. Matt and I want so badly to have our own family to share traditions with, to make new memories with, and instead of being a joyous time, Christmas reminds us of what we are missing. Our hearts have been ready for children for years now, but instead of growing our family, our heartbreak grows. With each passing year of involuntary childlessness, the holiday season becomes more difficult.<\/span><\/p>\n

The past two years I tried hard to stay joyful at Christmas, despite heartache. In 2014 and 2015 my family suffered some significant losses, and those in combination with our infertility made my holidays hard. But I pulled myself together and did my best to celebrate. I decorated my house, sent cards, and made cookies. We hosted parties, and visited with friends and family. I did my best to be happy, even though I was feeling more and more broken as the days passed.<\/span><\/p>\n

Now for a third year I am still struggling with infertility. I have no baby to introduce to my family and no happy announcement to share. Instead, I have a pregnancy loss added to my list of losses, and I have the hard job of accepting that again my life is not where I\u2019d hoped it would be a year ago.<\/span><\/p>\n

I think back to a conversation I had in early June with my mom about how I\u2019d be close enough to my due date by Christmas that I shouldn\u2019t be traveling\u2026 But as it turns out I\u2019m not lucky enough to still be pregnant, and we\u2019re not staying here for the holidays. Instead of welcoming a baby into our home soon, we\u2019re preparing for IVF. This month we\u2019re having procedures done, having blood drawn and genetics tested, and waiting for financial estimates. And in the meantime, I\u2019ve been searching for the right ornament to add to my collection to memorialize our lost baby. No surprise, there\u2019s no good ornament for \u201clost baby 2016\u201d.<\/span><\/p>\n

So I\u2019m having a hard time with Christmas this year, and I\u2019ve decided that to make it more bearable, I\u2019m going to make some changes. To start, I\u2019m not going to pretend this year. Because things aren\u2019t great right now for me. I\u2019m not happy and there\u2019s no point pretending otherwise. I\u2019m distraught at what 2016 brought us and I\u2019m so disappointed to be facing yet another holiday season feeling broken and lost. So instead of going through the motions of things we usually do and pretending that things are ok, I\u2019m going to focus on what brings us joy. I\u2019m trying to leave myself open to whatever strikes me as fun or meaningful. I\u2019m not interested in doing things that we feel like we should do just because we\u2019ve always done them or because someone expects it. I want to do what I can to find some happiness for us. For example, Matt and I have planned dates for the month to make sure that at least twice a week we\u2019re doing something fun together. In addition to those planned dates, I\u2019m going to make sure we watch the best of our favorite Christmas movies. And I\u2019m only going to send out Christmas cards if I think it would make me happy. I\u2019m only going to put out Christmas decorations that really bring me joy in that moment. I\u2019m only going to put up a tree if I feel it would bring me more joy than pain…<\/span><\/p>\n

\"image<\/a>
image source: https:\/\/www.pinterest.com\/pin\/148689225171132468\/<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

In addition to focusing on activities that bring me joy, as I said in my<\/span> fall post<\/a>, I\u2019m going to make sure I continue to practice self care. I have been doing that as best I can and I will keep it up. I\u2019ve been outside walking and hiking, and going to the gym. I\u2019ve treated myself to massages and manicures. I\u2019ve been reading and writing. I\u2019ve been saying \u201cno\u201d to social events when I need to, \u00a0and saying \u201cyes\u201d when I want to. I practice gratitude to find something good in everyday. I\u2019m doing what I can to take care of myself — mind, body, and spirit.<\/span><\/p>\n

And I\u2019m going to make sure I give myself space to feel sad. Because not all things are going to bring me joy, and some Christmas traditions now make me really sad. I\u2019m not going to pretend that I\u2019m ok, because I\u2019m not — I\u2019m hurting. I will need to take time to check in with myself and give myself breaks and quiet time. I ask in advance that my family accept that I\u2019m in a sad place. Holidays during infertility and after loss are painful, and I\u2019m carrying a lot of pain right now. You don\u2019t have to feel sad too, but please respect where I am with my grief. <\/span><\/p>\n

Another thing we\u2019re doing this year is rewarding ourselves — after visiting our families we\u2019re going to take a trip with some friends to a city we\u2019ve never visited and ring in the new year with them. We will see the sights, eat good food, and we will <\/span>toast to our survival<\/a> of this miserable year and hope together that 2017 will be better.<\/span><\/p>\n

After writing all of these things down it seems like maybe I\u2019m being a little bit selfish this Christmas season, but I really don\u2019t think I am\u2026. Self-care isn\u2019t selfish; it\u2019s necessary. And besides, if we can\u2019t care for ourselves or show love to ourselves, then how can we possibly care for or love others? If our vessel is empty, how do we expect to pour from it? I believe that by focusing on myself and Matt, we will better be able to survive this tough time; that we will be able to create some joy together, share some happiness with others, and find more things for which to be grateful.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Well. It\u2019s officially that time of year — the \u201cmost wonderful\u201d time of year. Christmas. Christmas is my favorite holiday. I\u2019ve always loved it. It is such a special time for families — being together, sharing meals and gifts. Baking cookies. Watching Christmas movies. Making snowmen. Driving around looking at lights. Going to the candlelight […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":true,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[9,8],"tags":[49,12,42,44,26],"class_list":["post-275","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-coping","category-reflections","tag-christmas","tag-grief","tag-holidays","tag-self-care","tag-toasting"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p7UmuL-4r","jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":127,"url":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/2016\/09\/28\/the-arrival-of-fall\/","url_meta":{"origin":275,"position":0},"title":"The Arrival of Fall","author":"Jenna","date":"September 28, 2016","format":false,"excerpt":"My favorite time of the year, fall, is officially here. I love fall weather and the clothing it accommodates -- sweaters, scarves, cute boots. I love the colors in the leaves and the way the leaves take flight and dance in the wind. Fall brings the harvest and asks for\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Coping"","block_context":{"text":"Coping","link":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/category\/coping\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"the_arrival_of_fall2","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/09\/the_arrival_of_fall2-1-272x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":175,"url":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/2016\/10\/10\/blessings\/","url_meta":{"origin":275,"position":1},"title":"Blessings","author":"Jenna","date":"October 10, 2016","format":false,"excerpt":"I see and hear the word \u201cblessings\u201d all the time... I see people pointing out their blessings in baby announcements, Christmas cards, and home decor. I hear people discussing their blessings in conversations and on facebook. And usually what I hear are people saying things like they were blessed with\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Reflections"","block_context":{"text":"Reflections","link":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/category\/reflections\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"blessings","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/10\/blessings-1-300x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":394,"url":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/2017\/04\/13\/jealousy\/","url_meta":{"origin":275,"position":2},"title":"Jealousy","author":"Jenna","date":"April 13, 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"Infertility has made me feel like *everyone else has kids* and I don\u2019t. (This isn\u2019t even all in my head either... most people do have children) Families with children are all over the place: nearly every book or article I read mentions families with children; everywhere I go -- from\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Coping"","block_context":{"text":"Coping","link":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/category\/coping\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/04\/infertility_is_jealousy-1-300x225.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":284,"url":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/2017\/02\/23\/more-books\/","url_meta":{"origin":275,"position":3},"title":"More Books","author":"Jenna","date":"February 23, 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"Here are a few more books that I've read since my first book list post: Infertility: Silent Sorority: A (barren) Woman Gets Busy, Angry, Lost and Found;\u00a0Pamela Mahoney Tsigdinos This memoir was fantastic. She writes about her infertility, treatment, considering adoption, and coming to terms with her childlessness. For anyone\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Resources"","block_context":{"text":"Resources","link":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/category\/resources\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"5stars","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/09\/5stars-150x33.png?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":355,"url":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/2017\/02\/28\/observations-and-fun-facts\/","url_meta":{"origin":275,"position":4},"title":"Observations and Fun Facts","author":"Jenna","date":"February 28, 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"During the stimulation phase of IVF, my cat and I were taking the same steroid. It was even the same dosage. I like to wear fun socks to amuse my doctor and nurses (and myself). During IVF there are many, many appointments, and my socks have been giving me something\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Coping"","block_context":{"text":"Coping","link":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/category\/coping\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":51,"url":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/2016\/09\/20\/recommended-reading\/","url_meta":{"origin":275,"position":5},"title":"Recommended Reading","author":"Jenna","date":"September 20, 2016","format":false,"excerpt":"If it\u2019s not obvious by now, I like to write. When I was little I would make books at home\u2026 I\u2019d cut the paper, staple the book together, and fill in the pages with words and pictures, and an adult would have to translate my sloppy words and letters into\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Resources"","block_context":{"text":"Resources","link":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/category\/resources\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]}],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/275","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=275"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/275\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":278,"href":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/275\/revisions\/278"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=275"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=275"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=275"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}