{"id":266,"date":"2016-11-14T15:38:18","date_gmt":"2016-11-14T22:38:18","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/?p=266"},"modified":"2025-12-11T22:28:26","modified_gmt":"2025-12-12T05:28:26","slug":"whos-that-girl-in-the-mirror","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/2016\/11\/14\/whos-that-girl-in-the-mirror\/","title":{"rendered":"Who’s that girl in the mirror?"},"content":{"rendered":"

I was trying to take a picture of myself to send to some of my far-away loved ones who haven\u2019t seen my purple hair in person… I just had my hair re-purpled and it is most brilliant when it\u2019s freshly dyed, so I wanted to take the picture right away so it would show up well in the photo.<\/span><\/p>\n

I stood in my bathroom and took some selfies, but they weren\u2019t turning out right. I deleted every one. Thinking that the light in the bathroom wasn\u2019t quite right, I decided to move to the living room.<\/span><\/p>\n

I took a series of pictures in the living room with the natural afternoon light shining through the big windows. The pictures still weren\u2019t right. Something was still off.<\/span><\/p>\n

I turned on the lights to supplement the natural light in the living room. I took more pictures.<\/span><\/p>\n

After more selfies I realized that the light had nothing to do with it. I didn\u2019t like the pictures because they didn\u2019t look like me. I couldn\u2019t bring myself to send these pictures to anyone, because that\u2019s not how I look. Or is it?<\/span><\/p>\n

I looked through the pictures we\u2019ve in taken the last few months and although there were some good ones of my hair, I felt like there was something off about those pictures too. <\/span><\/p>\n

There\u2019s just something about recent pictures that isn\u2019t right, but I can\u2019t seem to put my finger on it. There\u2019s nothing necessarily *wrong* with the girl I see in the mirror or in pictures; it\u2019s just that she\u2019s not me. I feel like I\u2019m looking at someone else or some fragmented or altered version of myself. Like all of our cameras are stuck on some strange filter that is changing my face and no one else\u2019s.<\/span><\/p>\n

Apparently I don\u2019t have a single current picture of myself that I feel looks like me. But why? What\u2019s different? Has my appearance really changed? What\u2019s going on?<\/span><\/p>\n

Has my face changed shape? Is my face thinner or rounder than it used to be? Or do I look different because my hair is longer than it used to be? If I think about that closely though, I don\u2019t think either of those are the problem. My weight has fluctuated slightly all my adult life and I always thought I still looked like me, so I don\u2019t think face shape is throwing me off. I\u2019ve had long hair and short hair and all kinds of lengths in between, and I feel like pictures of myself still look like me. <\/span><\/p>\n

Or are the dark circles under my eyes throwing me off? Because they are definitely there. I try to get as much sleep as I can, but some nights just aren\u2019t meant for good sleeping, apparently. And even after a good night of sleep, the circles are still there\u2026 constantly reminding me of my exhausting journey walking the road of infertility and loss. I\u2019m so tired. Physically. Emotionally. And it\u2019s hard to hide it. I\u2019ve pretty much given up on trying to with makeup; it just doesn\u2019t work. But do circles under my eyes really make enough of an impact to make me feel disconnected from my reflection? I doubt it.<\/span><\/p>\n

I look hard at the pictures. I think I look sad… Have I lost some kind of sparkle in my eyes? Is my smile less authentic? Do I just look sad all the time now?<\/span><\/p>\n

When I smile for a camera I feel like a fraud. Like I\u2019m lying to the world. Because I\u2019m not happy right now. Unless I\u2019m really in the moment and actually feeling truly happy, I don\u2019t think I\u2019m smiling too much these days. When I was trying to take a selfie to show off my purple hair, I struggled with smiling or not smiling. Smiling for my own camera feels so fake to me, but not smiling for the camera feels weird too. And when I do smile, even for someone else\u2019s camera, I feel too often like the picture shows a smile that\u2019s forced, a smile that\u2019s not authentic. Maybe when I see pictures of myself I\u2019m uncomfortable with the smile I see.<\/span><\/p>\n

Or it could be that this disconnect is all psychological. Maybe because I feel different now, I also feel like I look different when see my reflection and pictures of myself… Do I think I look sad because I *am* sad? Do I think I look tired because I *am* tired? Is this some kind of a self-fulfilling prophecy? Do I see the world through lenses of sadness? I like to think that my infertility couldn\u2019t possibly affect the way I view my reflection, but our minds are quite powerful. Maybe the change I sense is psychological.<\/span><\/p>\n

I asked Matt if he thinks I look different now. He doesn\u2019t think so\u2026 but if a change has actually taken place, if it\u2019s not all psychological, I think maybe because he sees me every single day he hasn\u2019t noticed the change. Maybe whatever change I think I see has happened slowly, over time\u2026 Because when I look back at older pictures, I think I look different. <\/span><\/p>\n

When I see pictures of myself taken before infertility, I see myself happy and full of hopes and dreams for my future. I see real, authentic smiles. I don\u2019t see sad eyes or dark circles. I look at those photos and think of how innocent I was then, with my heart mostly intact and not yet shattered to pieces. I see those pictures and I yearn to be back in a place where my heart didn\u2019t know this kind of loss. Back when I felt and looked like myself.<\/span><\/p>\n

I do think I\u2019m a different person now compared to before, but I thought that was all in my heart and mind. Infertility has changed me in a lot of ways… but I didn\u2019t realize infertility was changing my appearance too. But I think it is… because when I look in the mirror and when I see pictures of myself, I hardly even recognize that girl. Who is she and what is she doing there? Where did the girl I once knew go? Will she ever come back?<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I was trying to take a picture of myself to send to some of my far-away loved ones who haven\u2019t seen my purple hair in person… I just had my hair re-purpled and it is most brilliant when it\u2019s freshly dyed, so I wanted to take the picture right away so it would show up […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[8],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-266","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-reflections"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p7UmuL-4i","jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":17,"url":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/2016\/09\/16\/3000-sqft-and-a-table-for-two\/","url_meta":{"origin":266,"position":0},"title":"3,000 sqft and a table for two","author":"Jenna","date":"September 16, 2016","format":false,"excerpt":"In 2014, a few months before we started trying to conceive, Matt and I decided to buy a bigger house for our soon-to-be growing family. We were planning to start trying in the late spring and assumed that I\u2019d be pregnant in no time. I was young and healthy; Matt\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Reflections"","block_context":{"text":"Reflections","link":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/category\/reflections\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"3000 sqft and a table for two","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/09\/3000sqft-225x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":51,"url":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/2016\/09\/20\/recommended-reading\/","url_meta":{"origin":266,"position":1},"title":"Recommended Reading","author":"Jenna","date":"September 20, 2016","format":false,"excerpt":"If it\u2019s not obvious by now, I like to write. When I was little I would make books at home\u2026 I\u2019d cut the paper, staple the book together, and fill in the pages with words and pictures, and an adult would have to translate my sloppy words and letters into\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Resources"","block_context":{"text":"Resources","link":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/category\/resources\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":365,"url":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/2017\/03\/22\/infertility-is\/","url_meta":{"origin":266,"position":2},"title":"Infertility is…","author":"Jenna","date":"March 22, 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"It was hard to first admit to myself that we were experiencing infertility... By the time I did, we\u2019d already found out I wasn\u2019t ovulating on my own, and as a result I\u2019d been through three cycles of clomid. Even though I had already started fertility treatments, I didn\u2019t consider\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Reflections"","block_context":{"text":"Reflections","link":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/category\/reflections\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/03\/infertility_is-1-225x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":86,"url":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/2016\/09\/22\/support-group\/","url_meta":{"origin":266,"position":3},"title":"Support Group","author":"Jenna","date":"September 22, 2016","format":false,"excerpt":"About a year ago a friend suggested I find an infertility support group. She thought it might be helpful\u2026 I hadn\u2019t thought of a support group until then, and I was glad she had suggested it. That said, at that time I wasn\u2019t ready for one, but I did keep\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Coping"","block_context":{"text":"Coping","link":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/category\/coping\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"surround_yourself","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/09\/2016_09_02_SurroundYourself-300x298.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":289,"url":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/2016\/12\/13\/scrapbooking\/","url_meta":{"origin":266,"position":4},"title":"Scrapbooking","author":"Jenna","date":"December 13, 2016","format":false,"excerpt":"I started scrapbooking when I was in high school. My mom has scrapbooked for years, and ever since I started my own albums, it\u2019s something we love to do together. We like to go shopping and find fun stickers and paper that will coordinate with photos and mementos. When possible\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Reflections"","block_context":{"text":"Reflections","link":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/category\/reflections\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":453,"url":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/2020\/10\/24\/in-the-waiting-time\/","url_meta":{"origin":266,"position":5},"title":"In the Waiting Time","author":"Jenna","date":"October 24, 2020","format":false,"excerpt":"It is an honor to have my writing included in Emily R. Long's book In the Waiting Time: Messages from Infertility Warriors. My letter posted below is one of 22 letters included in the book --letters written for, and by, individuals with infertility. I hope that our messages and our\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Coping"","block_context":{"text":"Coping","link":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/category\/coping\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/10\/IWT-Book-Announcement.png?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/10\/IWT-Book-Announcement.png?resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/10\/IWT-Book-Announcement.png?resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/10\/IWT-Book-Announcement.png?resize=700%2C400 2x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/10\/IWT-Book-Announcement.png?resize=1050%2C600 3x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/10\/IWT-Book-Announcement.png?resize=1400%2C800 4x"},"classes":[]}],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/266","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=266"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/266\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":267,"href":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/266\/revisions\/267"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=266"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=266"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=266"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}