{"id":256,"date":"2016-11-08T11:26:03","date_gmt":"2016-11-08T18:26:03","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/?p=256"},"modified":"2025-12-11T22:28:27","modified_gmt":"2025-12-12T05:28:27","slug":"support","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/2016\/11\/08\/support\/","title":{"rendered":"Support"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"support\"While Matt and I have been lost in the terrible land of infertility, we\u2019ve been the ones guiding our loved ones through it at the same time. As I\u2019ve mentioned before, not many of our loved ones \u00a0have experience with infertility and loss, so they are often unsure of what to say or how to support us. I so often hear that someone doesn\u2019t know what to do, or doesn\u2019t know what to say, or doesn\u2019t know how to help, or doesn\u2019t want to do something in case they hurt my feelings, and so on…<\/span><\/p>\n

Therefore, throughout my journey I have been attempting to help various people understand what this is like for me, and what kind of support is helpful and not helpful. This is not always easy. At times it\u2019s downright uncomfortable. And it can be exhausting. It\u2019s a bit like being blindfolded and at the same time being responsible for safely guiding our loved ones around\u2026 It\u2019s confusing and tricky, and just like my loved ones don\u2019t want to hurt my feelings, I don\u2019t want to hurt theirs. It has been very hard to be responsible for educating everyone about what I\u2019m experiencing and what kind of support I need, when at that very moment I am feeling so very broken and lost myself. <\/span><\/p>\n

But even though it\u2019s hard, and at times, impossible, to do this, I have found overall that the benefits of some of these tough discussions outweigh the drawbacks — sometimes when I share and try to help someone understand, things get better on both sides. So in an effort to give everyone some answers and guidance all at once, I thought it might be time to write a post on support. <\/span><\/p>\n

However, before I really get into it, I want to be clear that my intent is not to make anyone feel bad for interactions in the past — I know my loved ones care for me and want the best for me. Rather, my intent for this post is to provide some suggestions for general support that I would appreciate. I\u2019m hoping that by sharing some of these, our loved ones can feel less lost themselves and have more confidence in their abilities to support us.<\/span><\/p>\n

We\u2019ll start with what support is not:<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

I am not looking for unsolicited advice or opinions. I do not want be told how I should be feeling. \u00a0I do not want to have my pain minimized. I am not looking for the silver lining. I do not want to hear about <\/span>quick fixes<\/a> for my infertility.<\/span><\/p>\n

Here are the best things someone can do to support me:<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

Accept my situation and validate my experience<\/h3>\n

When I\u2019m struggling and hurting, acknowledgement and acceptance of my situation is very helpful — validation is powerful. Having my feelings accepted and authenticated helps me to feel that my emotions are valid, that my reactions are normal, and that I\u2019m understood. So in my support system, I\u2019m looking for acknowledgement of how much all of this sucks and acceptance of how heartbroken I am. I\u2019m looking for someone to understand and validate the fact that this journey is hard and painful and that my future is full of question marks. I\u2019m looking for the understanding that I\u2019m not always ok, and acceptance that it\u2019s ok to not always be ok. I\u2019m looking for someone to sit with me while I\u2019m in pain and accept me as I am.<\/span><\/p>\n

Note<\/span><\/i>:
\n<\/span>For a great overview of how to sit with someone else\u2019s pain, please visit Psych Central.
\n<\/a><\/span>For a good overview and explanation on validation, please check out Psychology Today<\/a>.<\/span><\/p>\n

Keep in mind the things to say and not to say<\/h3>\n

Sometimes I feel like when people in my support system don\u2019t know what to say, they either hold back and do nothing (which can be hurtful), or they go overboard and fill the space with advice or optimism (which can also be hurtful). I know this it not intentional\u2026 and I know it stems from a place of unease. But I think it could be better… <\/span><\/p>\n

First of all, sometimes it\u2019s ok to not know what to say — sometimes there isn\u2019t anything that can or should be said. In those cases, acknowledgement, and a silent nod or a hug is what I need. Later, follow up \u201cthinking of you\u201d texts or cards are always appreciated when it feels like other words aren\u2019t useful.<\/span><\/p>\n

Second, there are ways we can prepare ourselves to know what to say, because sometimes things do need to be said, and saying the right thing can be important. <\/span><\/p>\n

Many people have written posts on the things to say and not to say to people struggling with infertility and pregnancy loss. Previously on this blog I have shared the same lists over and over, but here I will take the opportunity to share a couple more sources of these lists. Please read them and find one that connects with you, especially if you are someone who has told me in the past, \u201cI don\u2019t know what to say.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n