{"id":242,"date":"2016-11-05T12:21:42","date_gmt":"2016-11-05T18:21:42","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/?p=242"},"modified":"2025-12-11T22:28:27","modified_gmt":"2025-12-12T05:28:27","slug":"there-are-no-quick-fixes-for-infertility","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/2016\/11\/05\/there-are-no-quick-fixes-for-infertility\/","title":{"rendered":"There Are No Quick Fixes for Infertility"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"no_quick_fixes\"So many times when someone we love is upset, we try to make them feel better. We don\u2019t like it when someone is hurting or sad, and we try to fix it. So we might suggest ways for them to look on the bright side, or give them tips on what we have done in that situation to make things better. I think we all do this at times, myself included. And I think for the most part that this is ok. It seems natural to want to help and many times we are very capable of helping a loved one feel better about something or working with them to solve a problem.<\/span><\/p>\n

However, there are some situations where there isn\u2019t a way to fix the situation, where there isn\u2019t a way to make someone feel better. Infertility and loss are two of these situations… there are no quick fixes that will heal my broken heart or resolve my infertility.<\/span><\/p>\n

But even though Matt and I know that there are no quick fixes for infertility, it feels as though the rest of the (fertile) world doesn\u2019t really realize this. The practice of \u201cfixing\u201d seems to be so ingrained in our culture that people with good intentions try to fix us even though they know so little about infertility. Many of the quick fixes we hear over and over are actually much more complicated than they seem on the surface. Suggestions, advice, and minimizations roll off tongues without a second thought as to their actual meanings or implications. <\/span><\/p>\n

Our culture also doesn\u2019t handle grief or other uncomfortable feelings well, so when a \u201cfix\u201d is suggested, I feel like the person is trying to get me to move on and *just* be happy again. It feels like they don\u2019t understand my experience or think of my emotions as valid. But infertility and pregnancy losses are serious and painful, and it takes time to work through and heal from these situations.<\/span><\/p>\n

Even though I know that most \u201cquick fixes\u201d come from a place of love (while others come from a place of discomfort\u2026), they are problematic. They are unintentionally hurtful. And it would be easier to walk my path if I didn\u2019t have to shield myself from quick fixes all the time, regardless of how well intentioned they were. So in this post I\u2019m hoping to shed some light on some common quick fixes and suggest what might be a better thing to say instead.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJust relax\u201d<\/h3>\n

This quick fix is probably the most common one I\u2019ve heard during infertility. It\u2019s also one of the most frustrating ones because it\u2019s so wrong — stress doesn\u2019t cause infertility<\/a><\/span>\u00a0and relaxing doesn\u2019t cause conception. Infertility and pregnancy loss are medical conditions and they cannot be cured by relaxation. If that were the case, all we would need is a day at the spa and a cup of tea instead of medications, surgeries, and other procedures… Trust me, I\u2019d very much rather go to the spa instead of the doctor\u2019s office, the lab, the pharmacy, and the surgery center, but the fact is that relaxing will not bring me a baby. <\/span><\/p>\n

When I am told that I *just need to relax*, I like to point out that I *was* relaxed until I failed to get pregnant after months of trying; I was relaxed until my doctor confirmed there was a problem. That\u2019s when I started feeling stressed about conceiving. <\/span><\/p>\n

For my own mental health I do things to stay calm and relaxed, but *being relaxed* is not going to cure my infertility. We have medical problems that are preventing our conception and if we want to have good odds of conception we\u2019re going to have to treat them. Some people who have experienced infertility do surprisingly conceive after years of trying, but it\u2019s not because they relaxed; it\u2019s because over time, the unlikely event of conception managed to take place. \u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Additionally, being told that I *just need to relax* makes me feel like I have done something wrong. Believe me, I second guess my every move every month after I fail to conceive, and I won\u2019t even get into how much guilt I feel over my ectopic pregnancy. But I know deep down that I have not caused my infertility and I did not cause my ectopic pregnancy. But when I\u2019m told that I just need to relax, it incorrectly places the blame on me, and that\u2019s not ok. This is not my fault.<\/span><\/p>\n

Instead of saying, \u201cJust relax\u201d, I suggest asking how you can help. Assuming relaxation is the only thing I need isn\u2019t ok — it\u2019s better to ask to find out what I need. Sometimes I do need to relax for my own mental health, and sometimes that relaxation is better with a friend by my side; but other times I need to rant or cry, or go on a walk, etc. There are lots of things I need to do to care for myself and treat our medical problem during this time, but *just relaxing* isn\u2019t going to fix this.<\/span><\/p>\n

For more thoughts on the quick fix \u201cjust relax\u201d, please visit this post<\/a>.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou can always do IVF\u201d<\/h3>\n

This is another quick fix I\u2019ve heard over and over, and although I know IVF gives many couples their best chance for success, IVF is not an option for everyone and it is so much more complicated and intense than most people realize — IVF is not a quick or easy fix. I also want to note that the people who have told me, \u201cyou can always do IVF\u201d did not go through IVF treatment themselves; rather, they conceived easily and naturally; some even conceived accidentally.<\/span><\/p>\n

Don\u2019t get me wrong here — IVF is a wonderful opportunity for a chance at conception and pregnancy for some people, and Matt and I are currently preparing for IVF treatment. And I am thankful that we have this option. However, it has taken us a lot of time and consideration to get to the point of being ready for IVF. Coming to the conclusion that IVF should be our next step was a hard one. It was not a quick or easy decision for us to make and we\u2019re still in the process of coming to terms with it.<\/span><\/p>\n

What most people don\u2019t realize about IVF is that it\u2019s very intense. It\u2019s extremely physically demanding and risky. It\u2019s emotional. It\u2019s expensive. And really I can\u2019t even say too much about it because I have yet to experience it myself… but I do have the medication and appointment calendar in my hand, as well as the preparation check list, and financial estimate; and what I\u2019ll say is this: IVF is intense. So for anyone to suggest that it\u2019s an easy fix for infertility means that they really have no clue what IVF entails. <\/span><\/p>\n

Additionally, IVF is not always such a miracle. It is not 100% successful — not everyone who undergoes IVF treatment will deliver a baby. And not everyone experiencing infertility is able to undergo IVF treatment — different medical conditions or financial restrictions can prohibit some people from undergoing IVF. IVF is not a quick fix for infertility.<\/span><\/p>\n

Instead of saying, \u201cYou can always do IVF\u201d, it might be better to ask what treatment options the doctor is offering at this point and what we might consider. I had people pushing me into IVF way before (months and months) the words crossed the lips of my doctor, and it was so upsetting to me. And when my doctor did suggest IVF it wasn\u2019t, \u201cYou can always do IVF now that everything else has failed you.\u201d No. It was nothing like that. Instead, he asked, \u201cWould you be open to considering IVF as the next step?\u201d His gentle approach was unassuming and respectful, and it would be nice if everyone could speak to us in a similar way.<\/span><\/p>\n

Note:<\/span><\/i> For those wanting to learn more about IVF, check out this <\/span>clinical overview of IVF<\/a>\u00a0and this post on <\/span>10 things about IVF<\/a> from someone who has experienced it<\/span>.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJust adopt\u201d<\/h3>\n

This quick fix implies that adoption is an easy, painless, risk free process that will end and cure my infertility. It\u2019s not. Adoption only cures childlessness, not infertility. That said, adoption can a wonderful family building option, but like any major decision during infertility, it is not easy or quick. Adoption takes time, it can be very expensive, and it is risky — it may not be physically risky, but it\u2019s emotionally and financially risky. There are no guarantees with adoption, and I know several couples who had their hearts broken during the adoption process before a successful adoption went through.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJust adopt\u201d also has a partner that I\u2019ve heard: \u201cJust adopt and you\u2019ll get pregnant.\u201d This quick fix is a huge disservice to adoption and adopted children. It implies that adoption only serves as a way to achieve pregnancy, and this is terrible. Someone adopting a child is doing so in order to build their family, not in order to later achieve pregnancy. Sure, a small number of people do later conceive, but just like \u201crelaxing\u201d, adoption is not a cure. \u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJust adopt\u201d also assumes that everyone experiencing infertility wants to, or should, adopt children; but not everyone wants to adopt — and that\u2019s ok. Another frustrating thing about \u201cjust adopt\u201d is that, like \u201cyou can always do IVF\u201d, the people suggesting this to me have not adopted; they have biological children. And what I\u2019d like to point out here, is that adoption isn\u2019t an option only for infertile people — fertile people can adopt too.<\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019d also like to note that when I\u2019m told to \u201cjust adopt\u201d I get frustrated because it\u2019s not like this is a new idea or something — I\u2019m well aware of adoption already. I have friends and family who are adopted, and who have adopted. Adoption can be wonderful. But it\u2019s not a quick fix for infertility. So if you feel that adoption is something I should be considering, rest assured knowing that I already know it\u2019s an option for family building and that Matt and I are carefully weighing all of our options at every step.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAt least\u2026\u201d<\/h3>\n

Pretty much anything that begins with \u201cat least\u201d is a quick fix for my sadness or disappointment that leaves me feeling like my pain has been ignored or minimized. I\u2019ve heard all varieties of \u201cat least…\u201d but here are a few examples:<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAt least you can sleep through the night without kids waking you up.\u201d
\n<\/span>\u201cAt least you can leave the house or leave town when you want.\u201d
\n<\/span>\u201cAt least you have a great marriage.\u201d
\n<\/span>\u201cAt least you can afford treatment.\u201d
\n<\/span>\u201cAt least you got pregnant.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019m not going to break these down one by one, because it\u2019s not worth it. I know and understand that when someone tells me one of these things they are intending to help me find the silver lining. They are trying to bring me out of my sadness to be happy again. But it\u2019s not that easy. I can\u2019t *just* forget about what I\u2019m going through. I need to sit with my emotions and work through them. <\/span><\/p>\n

When I hear \u201cat least…\u201d I feel like my pain is being minimized. Like the person doesn\u2019t think my pain is real, or like I\u2019m overreacting. Sometimes it makes me doubt my own emotions, and other times it makes me feel like the person *just doesn\u2019t understand me*. And I hate feeling like that, because I\u2019m not a teenager; I\u2019m an adult who\u2019s experiencing heartbreak, and my emotions are valid and they are real, and it\u2019s not okay for my experience to be minimized.<\/span><\/p>\n

When I hear \u201cat least\u2026\u201d it also makes me feel like the person thinks I\u2019m ungrateful for the good things in my life. But I\u2019m not — I\u2019m very grateful for the good things happening in my life. I practice gratitude. I say thank you and I write thank you notes. But doing those things doesn\u2019t cure my broken heart, and they don\u2019t fix my infertility. They are good for my mental health and my perspective on life, but they aren\u2019t a cure-all. <\/span><\/p>\n

It\u2019s okay to occasionally remind me that there\u2019s light in my life, but there\u2019s a difference between reminding me of happiness and hope, and minimizing my pain. Anything that begins with \u201cat least\u201d sets me up for feeling minimized, so I suggest avoiding that phrase entirely. A better way to remind me of the good things in my life could me to ask me about them and let me find the light… but if you do this, please also follow my lead — if I’m not receptive, let it go for the time being; sometimes I need be with my grief.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t worry, the sun will come out tomorrow.\u201d<\/h3>\n

This and other such promises for the future are quick fixes that do not give me as much hope the speaker intended. Promises such as, \u201cYou\u2019ll end up with kids, don’t worry\u201d or, \u201cThis is going to work! I can feel it!\u201d or, \u201cEverything will work out\u201d end up making me feel like my pain and fear are being minimized.<\/span><\/p>\n

Infertility causes lots of fear about the future. No one knows what the future holds for me in regards to parenthood. The end result with infertility is completely out of our hands — no one can fix my situation. Not me. Not Matt. Not my loved ones. Not even my doctor. We are working with our medical team closely to select treatments that will give us our best chance for success, but there are no guarantees. <\/span><\/p>\n

So when someone tells me that I\u2019m going to be okay or that they *just* know it\u2019s going to work out, it\u2019s frustrating because no one can promise me that, and it dismisses my very real fear and pain about my situation. At the end of the day, *all* of our futures are unknown, so it\u2019s not okay to pretend that we know how someone else\u2019s story is going to turn out. It\u2019s better to sit with someone in their moments of pain, and acknowledge that right now things aren\u2019t okay.<\/span><\/p>\n

Healing is a process that takes time<\/h3>\n

I know that many of these quick fixes are said with love and with the intention of making me feel better, giving me hope, or reassuring me\u2026 and while on the surface they may seem like they should do just that, they don\u2019t. Quick fixes dismiss fears and minimize pain. Quick fixes sometimes assume things that may not be correct, they might pass judgement, or place blame. And overall, quick fixes for infertility do not exist — there is absolutely no quick fix out there for my infertility and loss. The birth of my own living child, or adoption may end up curing my childlessness, but the wounds caused by my infertility and loss will remain. Healing these wounds will take place over time, probably for the rest of my life. Healing will require acceptance, reflection, great love, understanding, and support. But it will not be quick or easy, and it would be wonderful if people would understand this and be willing to sit with me while I grieve and try to heal.<\/span><\/p>\n

Note<\/span><\/i>:\u00a0<\/span>Please also see my support<\/a> post, which is closely related to this one.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

So many times when someone we love is upset, we try to make them feel better. We don\u2019t like it when someone is hurting or sad, and we try to fix it. 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