{"id":201,"date":"2016-10-22T11:55:30","date_gmt":"2016-10-22T17:55:30","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/?p=201"},"modified":"2025-12-11T22:28:29","modified_gmt":"2025-12-12T05:28:29","slug":"our-never-ending-chapter","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/2016\/10\/22\/our-never-ending-chapter\/","title":{"rendered":"Our Never-ending Chapter"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"never-ending_chapter\"If I think of life like a story, I feel like Matt and I have been stuck in the same chapter of trying to grow our family for too long. Months. Years. We read the same sections, pages, and sentences over and over, unable to move forward in our story. Unable to turn the page and start the next chapter. We might inch forward with a new treatment, only then to remain stuck there while we give it \u201cenough\u201d tries. And when it ultimately fails, it feels like we\u2019ve been sent back to the beginning of the section to start over with a new plan… Scratch out that paragraph and try this one instead. Let\u2019s see if it goes somewhere else\u2026 We\u2019ve tried so hard to turn the page and continue forward in our story, and it stubbornly remains unwilling to turn over, refusing to budge at all.<\/span><\/p>\n

The one time we did move forward into the \u201cpregnant\u201d chapter, it was so short and had a tragic ending. Then we found ourselves in what\u2019s probably going to be a lifelong \u201crecovery and healing\u201d chapter, and at the same time back in the familiar old \u201ctrying to conceive\u201d chapter. I hated that chapter before, and I hate it now. It\u2019s exhausting and miserable.<\/span><\/p>\n

While we remain stuck in our \u201ctrying to conceive\u201d chapter, most of the couples we know are swiftly moving right through theirs and into their early chapters of parenthood. We know couples who started trying to conceive way after us who already have their babies at home with them. We even know couples who have gotten married, conceived, and given birth to their child in the time we have been trying to build our family. We know couples who have given birth to more than one child (in singles, not multiples) in the time we have been trying. People tell me it\u2019s not a race, and I know that… but when I\u2019m getting lapped on the path to parenthood, I can\u2019t help but to feel like a major loser who\u2019s going nowhere.<\/span><\/p>\n

We stand still, with our story stuck while the rest of the world moves forward in their stories around us. Sometimes it\u2019s almost easy in our quiet home to forget how much time has passed, but when I see the changes in my loved ones\u2019 families I am reminded that time is moving, children and families are growing, and Matt and I are stuck and alone.<\/span><\/p>\n

I am trying not to let my infertility keep me stuck here forever. I\u2019ve tried to move forward in other areas of my life — grow my business, explore areas of my creativity, volunteer, travel when we can… I\u2019ve tried to explore some new chapters unrelated to parenthood. But it\u2019s hard to get excited about moving forward anywhere else when the thing that\u2019s most important to me hasn\u2019t been attained yet. These things feel like side stories that give depth to the novel of our lives, but they are not advancing the main plot that I\u2019m most interested in. Additionally it\u2019s hard to even put focus on other things in my life because treating infertility is so physically, emotionally, and financially demanding. I\u2019m stuck in treatment cycles and my schedule is dictated by appointments, medications, and managing side effects. Infertility takes over, despite my best efforts to contain it, and it limits my ability to participate in the other storylines in my life.<\/span><\/p>\n

The story I most want to experience is being a mom. I\u2019ve wanted to be a mom my whole life. Ask my kindergarten teacher — I went to school that year as a mom with my baby (doll) on \u201cwhat do you want to be when you grow up day?\u201d My whole life I have assumed I would be able to make that one dream come true. \u201cYou can be anything you want,\u201d the world tells us. Unfortunately, that\u2019s just not true for everyone. Conception is something that, for most of the population, requires no education, no money, no doctors, and nothing but getting busy with a partner; but for us, it has turned into an agonizing, multi-year, financial, physical, and emotional stressor filled with doctors and nurses, and way too many needles, exam tables, and tears.. And so far, it has left us empty and heartbroken. <\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019m not usually one to skip to the end of the story and read the last page, but this is one story in which I\u2019d love to get a glimpse of the ending. I\u2019d love to know if it\u2019s worth it to keep trying\u2026 Will we end up with children? Or are we just wasting time, money, and energy, and delaying the inevitable — having to accept our empty arms, empty home, and broken hearts?<\/span><\/p>\n

Infertility has made me realize that my story might have a very different ending from what I expected… This part of our story has certainly not met expectations. I\u2019d rate this chapter with zero out of five stars. It has sucked. And I have no idea where our story is going. But I do know that I don\u2019t want to envision a different ending. I want the one I thought I\u2019d have when I was five. I want to get into the chapter of being a mom with living children. I want my last chapter to be growing old with Matt and with our own family. I don\u2019t want an alternate ending. That said, I know that the world isn\u2019t fair and that we can\u2019t always get what we want\u2026 I\u2019m going to have to accept where my story goes whether I like it or not. I\u2019m trying *so hard* to keep myself open to adjustments in my expectations, open to alternate endings, but that\u2019s so much easier said than done. I\u2019ve built up my expectations and dreams for my future since I was a very small child, and it has proven extremely difficult to envision something different. <\/span><\/p>\n

We\u2019re doing everything we can to guide our story in the direction we want, but this chapter we\u2019re stuck in is horrible. I know that the only way out is through, so we keep on trying to move forward. Every month we read the revised paragraphs and then try to turn the page and start the next chapter. I know it will turn at some point, but I have know idea when and I don\u2019t know what the next chapter will hold for us. All I really know is that this part of our story is miserable, and I\u2019m so tired of being stuck here in this never-ending chapter of disappointment after disappointment. I hope we reach the end of this part soon. We are *so ready* to move forward.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

If I think of life like a story, I feel like Matt and I have been stuck in the same chapter of trying to grow our family for too long. Months. Years. We read the same sections, pages, and sentences over and over, unable to move forward in our story. Unable to turn the page […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":true,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[8],"tags":[27,22],"class_list":["post-201","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-reflections","tag-stuck","tag-waiting"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p7UmuL-3f","jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":410,"url":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/2017\/04\/28\/waiting\/","url_meta":{"origin":201,"position":0},"title":"Waiting","author":"Jenna","date":"April 28, 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"\u00a0Infertility is waiting\u2026 waiting... waiting... Infertility is waiting for the small things. Waiting for appointments. Waiting to see doctors. Waiting to see nurses. Waiting to see phlebotomists. Waiting for test results. Waiting to start my next treatment. Waiting for the next phase in my treatment. Waiting two weeks. Waiting for\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Reflections"","block_context":{"text":"Reflections","link":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/category\/reflections\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/04\/infertility_is_waiting-300x225.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":39,"url":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/2016\/09\/19\/date-nights\/","url_meta":{"origin":201,"position":1},"title":"Date Nights","author":"Jenna","date":"September 19, 2016","format":false,"excerpt":"Early this year during a hard time, I decided we were going to plan date nights to keep us busy and have activities to look forward to. 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Fall brings the harvest and asks for\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Coping"","block_context":{"text":"Coping","link":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/category\/coping\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"the_arrival_of_fall2","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/09\/the_arrival_of_fall2-1-272x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":381,"url":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/2017\/03\/30\/uncertainty\/","url_meta":{"origin":201,"position":3},"title":"Uncertainty","author":"Jenna","date":"March 30, 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"I am one of those people who likes to plan things\u2026 and I\u2019m not just talking about planning a party or a vacation, although I enjoy organizing those things too; I\u2019m talking about planning my life -- I\u2019ve always had my next move figured out. In high school I always\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Reflections"","block_context":{"text":"Reflections","link":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/category\/reflections\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/03\/infertility_is_uncertainty-300x225.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":335,"url":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/2017\/02\/06\/due-date\/","url_meta":{"origin":201,"position":4},"title":"Due Date","author":"Jenna","date":"February 6, 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"After shrieking with joy and sharing the news with Matt, one of the first things I did after finding out I was pregnant last summer was calculate the due date for our baby: February 6, 2017. This date has been imprinted on my heart from that day. And after months\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Reflections"","block_context":{"text":"Reflections","link":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/category\/reflections\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/02\/due_date-243x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":453,"url":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/2020\/10\/24\/in-the-waiting-time\/","url_meta":{"origin":201,"position":5},"title":"In the Waiting Time","author":"Jenna","date":"October 24, 2020","format":false,"excerpt":"It is an honor to have my writing included in Emily R. Long's book In the Waiting Time: Messages from Infertility Warriors. My letter posted below is one of 22 letters included in the book --letters written for, and by, individuals with infertility. I hope that our messages and our\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Coping"","block_context":{"text":"Coping","link":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/category\/coping\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/10\/IWT-Book-Announcement.png?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/10\/IWT-Book-Announcement.png?resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/10\/IWT-Book-Announcement.png?resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/10\/IWT-Book-Announcement.png?resize=700%2C400 2x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/10\/IWT-Book-Announcement.png?resize=1050%2C600 3x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/10\/IWT-Book-Announcement.png?resize=1400%2C800 4x"},"classes":[]}],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/201","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=201"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/201\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":203,"href":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/201\/revisions\/203"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=201"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=201"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=201"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}