{"id":160,"date":"2016-10-03T12:05:24","date_gmt":"2016-10-03T18:05:24","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/?p=160"},"modified":"2025-12-11T22:28:45","modified_gmt":"2025-12-12T05:28:45","slug":"my-invisible-scarlet-letter-i","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/2016\/10\/03\/my-invisible-scarlet-letter-i\/","title":{"rendered":"My Invisible Scarlet Letter “I”"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"isolation\"Infertility has turned me into a social outcast, except that no one really knows it but me. My scarlet letter \u201cI\u201d marking me as an infertile is invisible, etched on my heart. It affects me everyday\u2026 but since it\u2019s invisible, no one else is really aware of what is happening. In general, I\u2019d say that the far reaching effects of infertility are largely a secret, known only to the invisibly branded members of this horrible club. Most people I know do not understand how painful it is for me to walk around in this fertile world trying to fit in, trying to survive, and trying hard to not let infertility ruin everything. I know that the world isn\u2019t trying to shame me, or intentionally exclude me, but my status as an infertile, grieving mother turns me into an outcast nonetheless: I become awkward when conversing with others and can easily become sad or uncomfortable during conversations; I\u2019m anxious about social interactions, and sometimes I just avoid social gatherings all together.<\/span><\/p>\n

Conversing with people I don\u2019t know very well or don\u2019t know at all has become very difficult for me because small talk is very uncomfortable. Simple questions from acquaintances or strangers make me uneasy. A \u201chow are you today?\u201d from someone I don\u2019t know makes me wonder if I should lie, \u201cI\u2019m good\u201d; or if I should be honest, \u201cI\u2019m terrible, everything sucks today\u201d; or if I should go somewhere in between, \u201cI\u2019m ok\u201d. And sometimes by the time I\u2019ve decided which answer to give, they are already uncomfortable and probably wondering what is wrong with me. Doesn\u2019t she know how to interact? In the end I usually lie or give an in-between answer\u2026 but even the in-between answers make people uncomfortable. \u201cJust ok?\u201d they\u2019ll ask, alarmed. No one likes to hear that someone else is having a bad time, but I don\u2019t like going around pretending everything is great either, just to avoid disappointing strangers, so it\u2019s hard for me to give updates on how I am doing to someone I don\u2019t know very well or at all. Perhaps we as a society could be more accepting of the in-between or bad answers. It would be such a relief to be able to more honestly respond to someone with, \u201cI\u2019m ok\u201d, or \u201cI\u2019m having a bad day\u201d, and instead of alarming them, they could just say that they are sorry and that they hope things get better. Feeling like my reality is acceptable to others would be comforting.<\/span><\/p>\n

Another isolating question that is frequently asked in small talk is, \u201cDo you have children?\u201d Strangers, new acquaintances, and clients at work all ask me this regularly, and it never fails to make me feel uncomfortable, isolated, and sad. My friend Melinda, who blogs at<\/span> www.youarerooted.com<\/a>, wrote a wonderful post <\/a>about this question… She thoughtfully proposes that instead of asking people if they have children, we ask, <\/span>\u201c<\/b>Who makes up your family?<\/a>\u201d<\/b> This question is much more inclusive of people in all kinds of different situations, and as a bonus, it doesn\u2019t put me and my reproductive system on the spot. Please give her post a read.<\/span><\/p>\n

These little changes in small talk could make a big impact on reducing the isolation I have experienced during infertility. Having my not-so-great days accepted, and feeling like Matt, me, and our kitties is a valid type of family would make me feel like less of an outsider. And I suspect that other people who are having a bad day for reasons unrelated to infertility, or who have unique or unconventional family situations would also appreciate feeling like their realities and situations are accepted and valid.<\/span><\/p>\n

Small talk aside, I don\u2019t fit in at most social gatherings. Nearly everywhere we go and nearly every event we attend, there are families present, or couples talking about their kids. Even if the event is adults only, so many of the conversations of parents is focused on their kids. And I get it — their kids are so important in their lives. In the case of friends and family, I LOVE their children, and at times I even enjoy being with their children. I\u2019m glad that my loved ones are not experiencing infertility and I\u2019m happy that their family building has been joyful. But at the end of the day, I\u2019m left out. My desire for, and lack of children can be so sad and isolating in social situations. I don\u2019t fit in with my broken, grieving, marked heart, and since my scarlet letter \u201cI\u201d is invisible, no one understands why I\u2019m shutting down and making excuses to exit a conversation or leave a party early.<\/span><\/p>\n

In general, my infertility has led me to limit my participation in the social world, making me feel like an outcast. Sometimes this is due to feeling left out or feeling anxious about social situations, and sometimes it\u2019s because I am unwell due to treatments. I am often not feeling well. During our infertility journey I have declined invitations to numerous parties, happy hours, and other get-togethers for various reasons. And sometimes if we do attend we might leave early if I get overwhelmed or if I am feeling unwell. Either way, I\u2019m left feeling like an outsider — infertility has ruined many events for me that should have been fun.<\/span><\/p>\n

Even being in public spaces without talking to another person can be difficult while I navigate the world with my invisible scarlet letter \u201cI\u201d. Reminders of what I\u2019m missing are everywhere I go. I see pregnant women all over town, and I avert my eyes because I\u2019m so sad for my non-pregnant tummy. I see parents with their babies and kids everywhere, and I walk the long way around them because seeing their smiling faces make me so sad for Matt and myself. There\u2019s a daycare across the street from my house and all of our neighbors have kids. There are kids at the shelter where I volunteer. More often than not, my clients at work have children. At the grocery store the baby items are in the same aisle as the paper goods, and I walk down the aisle quickly, my eyes focused on the prize — kleenex or toilet paper — while I try to avoid seeing anything intended for a baby. At Target the baby items are across the aisle from some of the home goods. And I won\u2019t even get into how I feel about facebook. The world is filled with families, and things to support and help families, and that\u2019s ok — I know it takes a village to raise a child — but it leaves some people out\u2026 and for me, with my infertility etched on my heart, it hurts. I know the world is not intentionally trying to increase my pain, but it still happens. And the only thing I can do is carry on the best I can.<\/span><\/p>\n

My infertility has also led some of my loved ones to exclude and avoid me — the scarlet letter \u201cI\u201d isn\u2019t always invisible. And before I write any more, I want to be clear that I understand that it\u2019s hard for my loved ones to relate to me and to know what to say, and I know that none of them have intentionally caused me pain. I know they love me and want the best for me. But my infertility has been like an elephant in the room\u2026 we all know it\u2019s there, but no one knows what to do with it. I\u2019m socially paralyzed by my infertility, not knowing how much to talk about it and with whom, and I think my loved ones are often afraid of upsetting me by bringing it up. So, to my loved ones, I suggest three things:<\/span><\/p>\n

    \n
  1. Please don\u2019t be afraid to talk to me. I am trying to share and be more approachable\u2026 and a big start to that is this blog, so thank you for reading this. Please feel free to discuss with me anything I post here. If you aren\u2019t sure that I\u2019m in a good place to talk, please text first. I like texts and if I\u2019m in a good place for a call, we\u2019ll make it happen.<\/span><\/li>\n
  2. If you haven\u2019t already, or if you need a refresher, please visit the links on supporting someone with infertility<\/a> and <\/span>supporting someone who has experienced pregnancy loss<\/a>. These are especially helpful if you are struggling with not knowing what to say to me.<\/span><\/li>\n
  3. Ask me how I\u2019m doing. In our society we often ask complete strangers the question, \u201cHow are you today?\u201d without really meaning it, but I have realized that we don\u2019t often ask the people we care most about how they are doing. More often we ask the questions like, \u201cWhat\u2019s new?\u201d or \u201cWhat\u2019s going on?\u201d to one of our loved ones\u2026 I think because it\u2019s more informal, more friendly\u2026 but the questions are different. Asking a loved one, \u201cHow are you doing?\u201d invites the recipient to answer how they really are, instead of listing what activities they have been doing lately. It\u2019s a more meaningful check-in, and I instantly feel more connected to my loved one when they ask, \u201cHow are you?\u201d<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    My invisible, or maybe not-always-so-invisible, scarlet letter for infertility has made my interactions with the social world complicated and painful, but I know that I won\u2019t always be in this tough place\u2026 I know that infertility won\u2019t last forever and that at some point it will be resolved. Either we will have a child, adopt a child, or not have children. And as I\u2019ve said before, I hope that wherever we end up, Matt and I will be happy and surrounded by love. I\u2019m hopeful that we will heal from our infertility and our pregnancy loss, and that the social world will be less isolating and more inclusive for us in the future\u2026 but I also do not expect that transition to be immediate. I do not think I will be \u201cfixed\u201d overnight whenever a resolution to our infertility presents itself. This journey has wounded me deeply and I know I will never be the same. And regardless of what happens, I expect it to take a while for me to heal and be ready to fully engage in social activities. I ask my loved ones now, in advance, to be patient and gentle with me whenever Matt and I end up moving forward. <\/span><\/p>\n

    And until then\u2026 I\u2019m doing my best to survive with my invisible scarlet letter \u201cI\u201d etched on my heart. Sometimes the thing I need to remember most is to be gentle with myself. I am doing my best to navigate my path in the world. I may feel isolated, but I know deep down that I\u2019m not alone. There are many others who are also struggling on their paths and feeling isolated, and I\u2019m wishing them strength, peace, and love on their difficult journeys. My loved ones are hoping for the best for us, and I\u2019m thankful for their love and support. And Matt is here, by my side, holding my hand every step of the way, reminding me with his constant love why we\u2019re on this journey. <\/span><\/p>\n

     <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    Infertility has turned me into a social outcast, except that no one really knows it but me. My scarlet letter \u201cI\u201d marking me as an infertile is invisible, etched on my heart. It affects me everyday\u2026 but since it\u2019s invisible, no one else is really aware of what is happening. In general, I\u2019d say that […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":true,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[8],"tags":[37,38],"class_list":["post-160","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-reflections","tag-isolation","tag-small-talk"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p7UmuL-2A","jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":365,"url":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/2017\/03\/22\/infertility-is\/","url_meta":{"origin":160,"position":0},"title":"Infertility is…","author":"Jenna","date":"March 22, 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"It was hard to first admit to myself that we were experiencing infertility... 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So we might suggest ways for them to look on the bright side, or give them tips on\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Awareness"","block_context":{"text":"Awareness","link":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/category\/awareness\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"no_quick_fixes","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/11\/no_quick_fixes-242x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":193,"url":"http:\/\/www.iamhalfhope.com\/content\/2016\/10\/18\/strength\/","url_meta":{"origin":160,"position":5},"title":"Strength","author":"Jenna","date":"October 18, 2016","format":false,"excerpt":"We\u2019ve probably all been told at some point, \u201cWhat doesn\u2019t kill you makes you stronger.\u201d And we\u2019ve seen the motivational posters. We\u2019ve maybe even said it to someone else or told it to ourselves. 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